Back in Business
I forgot (for the 432nd time) how to be present in my life. I’ve felt disorganized, detached, and unmotivated for the past few weeks. It’s time to cinch up and buckle down. I feel the need to tidy up my thoughts and environment.
I realized this morning that I’ve just been floating through my days, going through the motions, but not actually paying attention to what’s going on. I haven’t wanted to actually spend time in my life. That’s definitely a problem, considering there are humans in my life I need to be present for.
Well, I haven’t been completely out of it, because I can recall parts of days where I was present and lucid. It’s just that I have no memories of most of the past few weeks. All I can recall is a disjointed and unhappy feeling. This is because I’ve spent most of the past few weeks dissociated – escaping from reality via entertainment so I didn’t have to think too much.
The strangest part of all of it is that things are going well in my life now. I know that the catalyst for this dissociative state was a series of problems at work. I felt like I failed, so then I just stopped trying at all.
For whatever reason, I woke up this morning feeling like I can change things. I got out of bed and decided that I will change things. I actually looked at myself in the mirror today, which is unusual. I stood looking at myself and I didn’t feel like I was staring at a stranger. I was feeling disheveled, so I pulled my hair back and rolled up my sleeves to make myself feel more put together. I told myself to hold my head up and keep my back straight so that I’d feel like I am not slouching or slovenly. I think hearing myself speak also helped me to realize that these small things do make a difference, and it helped me to feel like I’m taking charge.
I wrote out a list of things I need to take care of this week, and I’m going to do all of them. Just making that list has given me a centered feeling, which is good. I also assigned myself a schedule for housework and errands so that I will get out of the habit of procrastinating. It’s something at least. I’m still feeling distracted and unmotivated, and my mind is still off in the clouds, BUT at least I’m capable of bringing myself back to the moment.
So, here’s to self redirect 2.0. Maybe this time it will stick.