Detached Decorum
I often feel out of sync with the world – as if time exists, but I am moving at a different speed. I look around, and everything looks strange to me. Lights seem too bright and too artificial, my body feels strange to me, words and laughter sound foreign, and people’s behavior takes on an alien quality. My ears hear the world, but it’s as if everything is heard through water. My eyes see the world, but the world looks as if it has been pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle. I watch the world as if I am seeing it for the first time. Perhaps I am seeing it for the first time, every time I look.
I feel detached, to the point of thinking I might exist in some pocket of space-time that touches upon the “real” world, but doesn’t always overlap. It is during these times that I feel most like an outsider. Not just in my personal thoughts, either. People actively treat me like I am an outsider. People forget my name, I find people staring at me with distaste (lips curled, even), people who were once warm start to act coldly toward me, some people will talk to me only to unleash words of vitriol and hate, and still other people silently disappear from my life. This happens, habitually, in late January and early February of every year.
As far as I can tell, I am acting the same as I always do. Acting, though, is the key word. I pretend to be a human, though I don’t feel human. I don’t feel like I am anything or anyone. I exist because I’m alive, but I don’t feel attached or connected to anything. I just move through life because life is moving. I wake up alive, I get up and interact with the world, then go to sleep. Perhaps, during these times, I am a robot? Perhaps the mechanical nature of my interactions causes fear or disturbance in others, and that is what causes the perceptible shift in attitude toward me.
Mostly, I’m tired of dealing with it. When I see people act that way, I feel angry. Not because I hate them, but because I am sad. If I am the same as I always am, what has changed that causes them to hate me? There is no room in their minds for understanding; nobody asks me for my perspective or even whether I know what they’re upset about.
From what I’ve been repeatedly told, I “cause” and/or “deserve” any negative attention directed toward me. This is totally ridiculous. It takes two to tango, and I’m not even the one who is upset. I roll my eyes any time someone accuses me of “making” him/her angry. Generally speaking, I feel like these people are narcissists who have to blame their lack of self-control on everyone else.
I don’t usually even react to these incidents when they happen. I do laugh in people’s faces when they attempt to insult me, because I already know they don’t know what could cause me to feel insulted. And, it’s true. The things they say are things that just seem funny to me – I do not have the same value system as they do. They never took the time to learn about me as a person, to know me as a person, to treat me as a friend. Meanwhile, I mistakenly learned their preferences, gave them support, considered them to be my friends.
More often than not, these other people got upset about something I said in the past, but failed to discuss the issue or ask for clarification. They then built upon that first anger, assuming they knew my perspective, and counted any perceived issue within each subsequent interaction as “fuel to the fire”. Eventually, these people become explosively angry.
These outbursts still surprise me, even though they shouldn’t. I think it’s strange, because I honestly have no idea what people are upset about when this happens. It’s usually just a normal conversation. Then, I make a joke related to the topic at hand, and then someone starts raging about my qualities as a person. To me, it seems incredibly out of place.
It’s only after they give a long list of perceived slights that I even recognize that they are angry about 17 random incidents that weren’t even blips on my radar, because there was no problem on my side. I then raise an eyebrow and note that most of the things they are upset about are related to their own presentation of fallacious material, which I fact-checked and provided proofs for. This calmness and lack of emotional response infuriates said people, who then continue to attempt insult until I get annoyed and say so, then walk away. Thus, these relationships end.
I do feel sad about losing any friendship, because I do value the thoughts and comments of all people I meet. I do recognize that this type of person is not, and never was, a true friend.
I get most upset when I start to feel like I wasn’t made to have friends. If this happens so often, then there really must be something about me that causes “normal” people to abhor me. My default thought is, “I should go away. If I go away, they can’t act that way toward me.” Logically, if I end all interaction, I cannot feel pain about any specific interaction.
On the other hand, that’s bullshit. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. When I think, “I should…”, I am not thinking of my own feelings or well-being. I am thinking of other people – what would make other people comfortable. Somehow, I always forget that I have just as much of a right to feel comfortable as they do. Truthfully, my life just gets better after these offensive people leave my environment.
Essentially, people would be happy if I never brought up their faults in logic. I do realize that people believe their opinions are their identities, thus unchangeable and highly defensible. However, this is a part of me. I can’t help it. I feel the need to double-check any information that I receive, because that is the only way I can feel well-informed. I regularly share the knowledge I gain, usually in the form of feedback.
While I do see why this angers people (most people don’t like to have their preconceived notions analyzed), I also feel that it is a disservice to allow people to continue to spout incorrect or unchallenged information. Mostly because I recognize that somewhere down the line, someone else will catch the fault and address it in a truly malicious way.
Why do I care if people will get hurt by others? Why do I try to prevent that? Why don’t I just let them go on in their haughty and self-righteous ways, and let them become the fodder of jokes and insult?
I don’t know.
The more “friends” I lose, the more I think I really do think “I should” become just like they are. Because, what does it matter?
I really don’t know.
It doesn’t actually matter what I do, so why do anything?
When it comes down to it, I have no personal interest in probably 90% of topics other people talk about. Nobody does. I can admit it, though. I take part in conversations because it is the polite thing to do. I ask questions that I think of, I respond to their statements, laugh at their jokes, etc. But, do I really care?
In some ways, no. I don’t feel care in my heart for every single topic. But, I do feel care in my heart for every single person. I don’t feel like it’s a chore to listen to people talk, because I usually learn something. I like being introduced to new ideas and alternative perspectives. I fact check, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying the conversation for what it is. I like listening to what people have to say, simply because it’s interesting to me to listen to what people have to say.
It’s ridiculous, though, that I have to tiptoe around in any conversation. I have to make sure I don’t say my opinion. I have to talk the way they do. I have to pretend I think their gossip is righteous. I have to extend sympathies in the pre-approved way. I have to pretend I don’t feel that it’s unfair to form an opinion on a one-sided story.
If I have to be a false person just to be around people, why do I try to be around people?
I don’t know.
This is the one thing that I am constantly trying to figure out. Is there a way to find balance? Is there a way to feel at ease around people? I can’t think of any way to do that other than to just forgo decorum altogether, say what I feel like saying and do what I feel like doing, regardless of how people will perceive me.
That has a lot attraction for me, because it skips the part where I have to pretend to fit in and goes straight to the part where everyone tells me I don’t fit in. It’s going to happen anyway, why bother with the part where I get to pretend to fit in for a little while?
Maybe I like living in self-deception for as long as I can. Maybe I like to imagine what it’s like to be a part of something, even as I know I am not. I don’t know. I guess I’ll figure it out, eventually, figure out how to be okay with being The Outsider. I’m not there yet, as much as I wish I could be.