Figment Frustration
I had a particularly curious dream last night. It wasn’t traumatic or violent or upsetting, just curious. The main thing that stood out to me was that it was so real. I remember my thoughts during the dream, I remember my emotions, and I remember my physical reactions to the environment.
I can’t really tell one of the most important details of the dream, because it hurts my heart to think of it. But, the thing that woke me up was a feeling of pleasant surprise and confusion, because something happened that I could never expect to happen in real life. Specifically: a potential mate didn’t treat me like crap.
Pathetically, that’s really all I expect from single men. On the one hand, I can cause men to literally (yes, literally :-/) head for the hills if I express interest. On the other hand, the men who express attraction to me invariably believe the response to a friendly “How are you?” is “Fine. Listen, I’m down for sex, but I’d never want a relationship with you.”
There’s just no way I can adequately express how preposterous these statements sound to me. Not only are they arrogant, assumptive and condescending, but also completely inappropriate. I’m generally friendly to everyone, regardless of gender. These people are clearly so big-headed that they must preemptively reject the assumed advances of people who are just trying to be generically friendly. I feel irritated just thinking about it. Mostly because I’d never in a million years try to pick up on any of those people, but also because it’s annoying to me that any attempt at conversation is automatically shifted to me being an object that is rated, then rejected as “not good enough”.
Unsurprisingly, I have no confidence, self-esteem, or hope when it comes to romantic endeavors. I recognize that I’m “a solid 3 who should be grateful for the attention”, and this is where that, “Eh. You’re not worth more than one night, and only if you’re the last person around.” attitude comes from. However, my response to those assumptions is just, “Ew.” I’m most definitely NOT grateful for that attention. It’s disturbing and detestable to me.
That said… In the dream, the male was being kind and considerate.
In the dream, I went to visit a friend at his work cafeteria. I sat next to him, and he smilingly offered me some of his own stash of frozen food. I was very surprised that he was being generous. So, I went to make a meal for myself in the kitchen. While in the kitchen, people were being rude and pushy, I dropped half my meal on the ground, then ended up with cold pancakes and runny eggs because I wasn’t able to finish cooking my food. I felt agitated and upset. When I got back to the cafeteria, the friend had let someone else (an attractive girl, of course) sit in my seat. There was nowhere else to sit, and I felt betrayed and angry, so I called him a name and ran away so I wouldn’t start crying.
I ended up sitting in a corner by myself, trying to force myself to eat around the tears I was holding back. (For some reason, I was eating baby onesies along with my pancakes and eggs… but that’s not too important to the story.) I felt upset, but also foolish for taking it out on him. I realized I needed to apologize for overreacting and for embarrassing him in front of the 200 people in the cafeteria.
I heard someone ask him why I was acting like that, and he answered, “The question is not why she’s acting like that, but what happened that made her act like that.” I felt surprised that he cared enough to recognize there must have been a reason for my behavior. Eventually, I decided I was done eating (too many onesies for me to finish) so went to put some stuff away. I opened a door to go look for him, and he was on the other side of the door waiting for me. I was really surprised that he had followed me. I asked him if we could go talk somewhere privately.
We walked out to a yard, toward some shrubbery in the sunlight. I felt at ease and I felt like I was with a friend. I felt warm and cared for. I was walking next to him, and then I realized that our forearms were touching. I hadn’t even noticed, because it felt so comfortable and it felt right. I was extremely surprised that the male did not have a problem standing close enough to touch me. I looked up at him and he was smiling at me. I was so incredibly surprised that I woke up.
Most of me feels like an overly desperate loser, if just touching someone’s arm can make me feel like I matter. Emotionally, I do believe there is something wrong with me that precludes anybody nice from even being interested in me. Logically, I know that’s not true, because a few nice men have shown interest. The problem, though, is that I have no romantic interest in them. I want to be their friend, sure, but that is it. And by friend, I mean a PLATONIC friend.
I feel like it’s a sad sign of the times when I have to repeatedly remind people that when I call someone a friend, I mean that it is a platonic friendship. It’s upsetting to me that if I form a friendship with a male, the male somehow believes that means there will eventually be “benefits”. I do not appreciate that assumption at all. I do not appreciate the fact that my feelings or thoughts or preferences don’t matter, and that the only reason they’re friendly is that they think I’ll eventually put out.
Ugh. I wasn’t made for this era.
Realistically, these feelings make me want to head for the hills.
I just don’t see the middle ground here. Two months into this year, and I’ve been rejected by all sorts of people in different ways, for just being myself. It hurts me a lot. I try to put it behind me, try to rationalize it with, “It’s not about me, they have their own problems.” and such. But, it is really painful to me. I have to spend a lot of time making sure I don’t care too much for people. It’s to the point where I go into every friendship expecting to be ditched by them eventually; I say goodbye in my heart the first time I even meet them. It still doesn’t work, though. I still get upset when the time comes.
I guess… I don’t see how or when I’ll be able to let my guard down. I don’t see how I’ll find someone who is completely comfortable being around me and who can see me as a person. The dream was nice anyway. I still have a warm feeling from it. It gives me a little sliver of hope that “dreams can come true”. Not really, though. I’m too much a realist for that. But, a girl can dream.