Internalization to Externalization
Feeling troubled, I will now write about some of the things I am feeling troubled about in candid and cryptic ways.
1) I don’t know why people get so upset about word usage. Everyone uses words wrong sometimes. It’s not that big of a deal. I wonder if those people get an ego boost by pointing out someone else’s improper [but, likely relevant to the conversation] use of a word. I think I don’t like it so much because I do it internally but don’t usually correct people unless I’m correcting myself for blurting a word that doesn’t mean what I’m trying to actually say.
2) I don’t like the internet very much. People are jerks. Let me rephrase that: I don’t like the people very much. People are jerks.
3) I don’t know what is going on with me, but I’m going on nonetheless.
4) I am struggling a lot to stop feeling so low about myself. I realize that these thoughts are imaginary, but I still focus too much on them. I know that I scrutinize things to a microscopic level, but I also know that I do this to prevent myself from feeling hurt. I am trying to just let things proceed in a natural manner, but I keep messing myself up with my survival habits.
5) Why do expectations exist? For every event, I expect the response from other people to be [almost comically] bad, worse, or worst possible. Alternatively, I also have a set of fantasy responses that are so outlandish and self-serving that they are completely unrealistic. Example: I give you a hammer. Expectation: You hit me with it, rip open my face with the claw side, or bash my brains out. Fantasy: You take the hammer and are so touched by the gift that you buy me a farm to use the hammer at. Does anybody else think it’s strange that there’s no middle ground there? I can’t see a middle ground, because I know “the best” will never happen and fully believe “the worst” is going to happen. And, it’s true – I do think the worst possible thing is the most likely thing because anything less is a surprising relief to me. And, that’s sad that I think like that. But, I think like that because I don’t like feeling hurt. I don’t know how to stop feeling hurt, aside from leaving human society.
6) I am tired of constant heartache. I wish it would go away. But, it doesn’t, and it can’t because it’s fully dependent on the actions or emotions of other people.
7) My songs are all personal because they are the only way I am able to express my feelings a lot of the time. The problem is that people criticize anything that is too deep for them to manage. And, that hurts – that people can be so shallow that they miss the whole point of the song, which is to express emotion. I think this is why I am so obstinate about letting my tracks have vocal, instrumental, and/or technical flaws – it’s the easiest way to weed out those with false hearts. And, to me, it’s fine to put out an imperfect recording because it is actually authentic and when I made it, I made it with love or sorrow or whatever emotion I am singing about. So, I’m not embarrassed or upset by any of my songs. I just have a hard time talking about all of the actual details not mentioned in the song.
8) For once, I would like a fantasy of mine to come true in real life. That would be amazing. AMAZING. And fantastic. And delicious in all the right ways.
9) I try not to be too terribly prudish, but I’m such a prude. Almost as prudish as a prune, and not even close to as tasty. I don’t know how to make this OK to other people. So, I just have the idea that any worthwhile people will understand that I can’t be as “easy going” as society dictates a female of my statistical demographic should be.
10) I write these things out because I need to get them out. Thank you, cosmos, for the vent you have allowed me to receive and expel. Perhaps it will lend calmness to my day.
Take it easy.