I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t been able to, really, because I don’t know what to write anymore.
The past couple of months have not been amazing or wonderful. In fact, they’ve been the opposite in many ways. I was in the hospital in the middle of August with anaphylaxis – I had a severe allergic reaction to yellow jacket stings and technically died for several seconds before the epinephrine kicked in to make my heart start beating again.
During the time I was unconscious and dead, I remember dreaming the same type of dreams I always dream when I’m in a deep sleep. They were the thoughts and stories and memories from my subconscious mind, those things which are usually suppressed by my conscious thoughts. I was only out cold for a minute, but I did dream. None of it makes sense or has any mystical significance, though. I certainly didn’t “see the light” or speak to my ancestors.
Anytime I hear about a near death experience in the news, the person always comes back with a renewed lease on life. I have no idea where that comes from. I can’t say I’ve experienced some awesome shift in mentality or perspective. Things in my life have gotten steadily worse since that point, honestly. My financial situation, for example, is worse as a result of that hospital stay because now I have significant debt to repay.
Admittedly, there are a few things inside me that have changed. Namely that I have lost all hope or purpose I had clung to. I now realize that my existing wishes and dreams will not come to fruition no matter how much I wish they could. I now realize there’s no point in trying to make a better life for myself, because it’s never going to happen the way I’d like it to. I realize, too, that there’s no point in caring, because really… who cares?
I got tired of constantly feeling like shit, so I limited contact with specific people who had been a part of my life. That incident made me acutely aware of the people in my life who care and those who don’t. I decided not to waste my emotions on one-sided relationships. I also decided to suffer no fools – I am done with giving people chances, giving people the benefit of the doubt, letting myself be hurt by selfish ego-centric people. I’m just done trying.
My life circumstances have become less stable in the past couple of months. I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis because there are so many aspects of my life that are completely out of my control. I just have to wait this crap out and hope that it turns out slightly better than the worst case scenario. Not likely. Worst case scenarios are generally the only outcomes in my life.
I guess I just realize now, in a very profound way, that my thoughts and emotions, wishes and dreams, hopes and desires are all pointless and useless. They’re fanciful thoughts in a worthless and backward mind. There is nothing for me that I don’t have to force into existence. People keep telling me I think or feel the wrong way, and I’m tired of fighting it.
I’m steadily becoming less feeling and less loving. I am returning to that blank version of myself I used to be – the person who just drifted through life letting life happen around me, letting other people shape my future. Because it doesn’t matter. My future is nothing because the things I want or need are nothing. I have fewer episodes of uncontrollable weeping, at least. You should celebrate my internal death, because it means you’ll get what you want. It’s what you’ve told me I should be – you’ve told me over and over how wrong I am, how wrong my thoughts and feelings were. You should celebrate. You’ve won.