Thankful Thursday – June 13th, 2013
I am in a muddled emotional state. There’s a lot going on right now in my life, there are a few significant changes on the cusp of fruition. I am especially thankful to be healthy and of sound mind today. The recent attempted suicide of a terminally ill friend is the real source of my jumbled emotions. I don’t know how to feel. On the one hand, I can see this person’s release from pain as a good thing. On the other hand, I’m somewhat shaken by the way this and related events have transpired.
And, even though I am an old hand at dealing with death, the finality of it is still very shocking and harsh every single time it comes around. At the same time, existing in crisis mode is not pleasant. I am expecting every phone call to be “the one”. I am concerned for my friend’s well-being in the present and immediate future. And, even though this person has been “terminally ill” for at least four years, the reality that the end is nigh has truly sunk in.
The double-edged sword of death: the person will cease suffering, but the person’s life will also cease. It’s a no-win situation. I think what is really bothering me is that I don’t understand my actual feelings toward the person. There is fondness and compassion and sadness, but there is also anger and disgust and irritation. I feel guilty for being angry at a dying person, but also justified in that anger because of the nature of the suicide attempt and its aftereffects.
At the end of the day, though, does it really matter? When my friend dies, there will be nobody to be angry at. Life will move forward, I will move forward. I am having a hard time with my angry emotions because they are in direct conflict with the feelings of acceptance I have regarding my friend’s impending death.
I guess it’s more like, “Why not just go peacefully, why intentionally cause all of this trouble and angst and worry for the people you’re leaving behind?” It feels like a big fat FU; the nature of the situation as related to this person’s life history makes me very uneasy because it is so drama-filled and seemingly endless.
I don’t get it. I mean, I understand the nature of suicidal tendencies, but I don’t understand how this person thought it’d be “easy” for other people to handle the aftermath of this particular attempt if it had been successful. I do recognize the severe deficit in rational thought, but it still angers me because it is so very personal and could have ended up much worse than it did for all involved.
I’ll get over it, I’m sure. The feelings of disbelief have been fading, and I am now preparing for a reality that includes seeing the friend as ‘suicidal’ and being responsible for “suicide watch”. That thought is so ridiculous: being charged to keep someone from dying while watching him/her die anyway. I don’t think I would be as frustrated if things had been more peaceful and respectful and expected. It is the shock and immediate trauma of this jarring event that is causing these feelings, I’m sure.
For now, though, I’ll can only show what support I can and make the best of a bad situation without making it worse.