A Dissection of Aloofness…
Today is one of those days where I was driving (not speeding, folks, not speeding :D) along toward work and I thought, “Am I present? Am I focused on what I have and what I am doing rather than what I don’t have or what I have to do?”
To be honest, I don’t know how to answer that. I think that a lot of the time I am focused on the present, but I don’t know if I always catch myself when my mind is wandering.
Problem:
I talked with some concerned family members yesterday, and the consensus is that I am “aloof” and they get the feeling that I’m just around them because I have to be around them (since we live in the same house).
Now, from my perspective, I’m just living. Basically, making it through the day because there is a day to make it through. To me, it seems like I am paying attention to everyone and listening to what they have to say. Granted, I don’t talk very much… but I’ve never talked very much. I’m a listener and a thinker and a writer. Talking isn’t really my strong point (unless I’m debating, or arguing… because then I will talk until the cows come home).
The question I have in my head: How do I pay attention to everyone who tries to get my attention and actually make them all feel like I’m giving them my attention? I don’t know how to do this? Usually, there are several people talking to me at once about related topics, and all talking in spurts. I try to listen to them all and respond to them all, so I can’t focus on any one person when all of the people are talking and expecting responses. I grew up with many siblings, so this is nothing new to me. What is new to me is people specifically saying that they don’t think I want to be around them because I am paying attention to everyone equally.
To be perfectly frank right here: I don’t know how to show one person that I enjoy being around him/her specifically, when I am around several people 99% of the time, and only alone with any one of the five people I live with maybe 1% of any given day.
I feel like I experience everything two hours before everyone else; there are always things going on in my mind about what needs to be done, what effects current actions will have on the future, where I need to go, who else needs to get something done, and so on. I am always being responsible, no matter what time of day it is. I feel like I have to organize things because nobody else will do it otherwise.
I don’t know, maybe the real trouble is that I feel like I’m always alone, no matter how many people are around me.
I don’t mind being alone in my mind; I’ve always been alone in my mind.
But, how do I break out of my mind and be “not alone”/present/aware/experiencing things with the people who are around me?
I don’t think I know how to experience things with other people.
This is definitely something I need to learn how to do.
I think I know how to do it sometimes, but it is a fleeting and an event-specific occurrence. My goal would be to know how to experience life with other people without having to consciously remember to experience life with other people.
Now, that is a revolutionary thought to me.
The reason this is such a foreign concept to me is that I have always been one to scrutinize and assess situations quickly and logically to do what I need to do within the context of any given situation. There’s not any emotion in it for me – it’s basically, “Ok, family member A is talking, so I will listen and respond. Family member B is asking for a favor, I will agree and perform said favor. Family member C needs assistance with a chore, I will go and assist.” I don’t feel anything about it, I just do what is required.
Meanwhile, Persons A, B and C are looking at me and thinking I resent doing what they are requesting because I’m not cheery and chatty? Or… I don’t know… I don’t know why I appear aloof, if I am helping people as much as I can? I must have some kind of distance from everyone while I am doing these things? This is all very confusing to me.
Anyway, as a result of other people’s perceptions of my dutifulness, my question becomes: how do I get out of that mindset of just doing what is required?
I am very truly puzzled at how to answer that question.
Basically, in my mind, if I stop doing what is required to make other people feel like I care about them, I will just do whatever I personally feel needs to get done. I’m sure these folks would complain even more loudly, though, because I wouldn’t be paying attention to anyone at all until I’m done doing what I need to get done.
This isn’t to be rude, it’s just that there are many other things to do around the house, and I am the kind of person who likes to get all of my chores and assorted tasks done before kicking off my shoes to relax.
So, maybe this is the root of the issue: when I get home from work, for example, there are multiple people sitting in the living room waiting for me to get inside and talk about my day. Basically, for me, saying, “I had a good day.” is a sufficient explanation about my day. However, they want to sit and chat about how my lunch was, how my walks were, if there was any bad traffic, etc.
While I am responding to their questions, I am mentally checking off the three or ten tasks I need to do before dinnertime. As soon as they finish their questions, I take off to do whatever I need to do. I’m not intending to be rude, there is just stuff that needs to get done.
Aha! This is the problem! They think I’d rather do my chores than be around them! 😀 Ok, I get it now! Haha, I totally get it… Sheesh…
It is the mental list-making that is the root of said problem.
All right, so, this means I need to catch myself with the list-making and, subsequently, prevent myself from rushing off to do stuff around the house as soon as I get home.
Solution:
Stop and smell the roses, Jane!
Will do, life, will do… 🙂