Where is Happiness?
Awake when I shouldn’t be, I feel sad and alone. I don’t know that I feel “lonely”, per se, where I need other people’s companionship… but I feel Alone. Like there is nobody to understand me. And, the truth is, there is nobody in my life to understand me. I get so tired of living in my own mind – where all emotion and thought does not extend beyond myself. Whenever I try to share myself with other people, it ends in disaster. I don’t have anyone to reach out to.
I don’t know where to turn, so I don’t turn anywhere. I exist in my mind and I exist Alone. It is not pleasant to realize that there is no “happy ending” for me. I don’t get to find some remarkable person who completes me and who takes the time to understand me. I don’t get to be Whole. I don’t get to be Complete. I don’t get to be that kind of Happy that only being in a mutually loving relationship can bring.
I say this because I already had that kind of relationship (on my part anyway), when I was a young girl. It didn’t work out the way I hoped it would. I was left empty and Alone and without any explanation except those thoughts that I could think of to keep myself from dying of heartbreak.
And I really feel like I could die of heartbreak. I know that if I gave up, I could just go to sleep and keep myself asleep until my body dies of starvation. Sometimes I consider doing this because I am so tired of mourning the ghost of a one-sided love.
I still feel that love, and with an even greater intensity than when I actually knew “my one true love”, but I do not have the partner. It’s pathetic and I feel disgust for myself because I am so pathetic that I pine after an imaginary “true love”. I feel hate for myself because I feel so stupid. It is clearly SO, SO STUPIDLY pointless to love a person who does not care to love me because I am not worth the trouble. I hate feeling love for a stranger. I hate feeling so sad all the time – and for nothing. I hate that my thoughts are often with a person who is not even in my life – AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I’ve lived roughly half of my life trying to “get over” this love. I have come to the conclusion that it cannot be done. Thus, my outlook is very bleak – I do not get to find that happiness in the rest of my life. I feel great sadness that I must continue to feel Alone until I die.
I am devastated when I realize that this great capacity for love and tenderness and happiness must and will go to waste because it is detestable to the person it is supposed to be given to.
I feel acute and infinite grief that I can never again feel that magic of looking into the eyes and soul of the one who knows me and feeling – KNOWING – that I am not Alone.
I am Alone.
I feel so helpless – even when I have love to give, I cannot give it. It is unwanted, it is useless, it is pointlessly given. There’s no reason for me to feel this depth of emotion, because there’s not even a “real” person to give it to. It hurts my heart greatly that the person I’ve loved most in my life is just another of the people who have cut me out of their lives and never want to speak to me again.
The thing that hurts the most is that the people who erase me from their lives are the people I love in the most profound ways.
I am Alone and unwanted – I feel like a blight on the world.
What is it about me that causes others to WANT to shun me?
What is it about me that causes other people to go to the absolute extreme to AVOID me?
These are the times that I get tired of living. These are the times that I want to go to sleep and never wake up. There’s no point in waking up because when I wake up, everything will still be the same.
I have spent so much of my life Changing so that other people would like me, and it was all for nothing because they never actually liked Me.
Now that I have the courage to remain true to myself and to be who I am, I understand that nothing else will Change. Everyone else is just as fickle and just as afraid. Their fear angers me and makes me want to weep. I am tired of everyone always being so afraid of genuine thought and emotion and interaction. I get so weary, trying to exist in this state of constant Alone, with full knowledge that any people I venture to love will eventually want to erase me from their hearts. It hurts so very much.
I don’t expect you to care.
I don’t even expect anybody to read this, because I already know that nobody cares.
The fact of the matter is, if it’s not superficial, nobody cares. That’s just the way it goes.
I sit here, in my pajamas at an early hour, with full awareness that there’s no point in typing these thoughts out. The only reason I am wasting time to do this is that I hope that getting these thoughts and feelings out of my brain will help me to go to sleep. Hah, at this point, I will get to sleep all of one hour because I must then get back up to care for my children.
They make me feel a little less Alone. But, I am Alone, no matter where I am or who I am with.
I think it is that I do not feel a soul/spiritual connection with anybody in my life. They are there, in front of me, but I don’t feel like they are there because they want to be… They’re just there because they don’t have anywhere else to be.
I hate that I feel like I repel people.
The evidence, though, is fairly clear – people don’t like me when I am myself. They only like me when I am pretending. Now that I don’t pretend anymore, there are no people.
I am tired of flimsy relationships.
I am tired of the way that I have to tiptoe around new people because I already know their interest is fleeting and/or false.
I don’t even know what the point is – this is why I always fall back on the idea that I should just be a hermit. I am tired of being a human.
So, where is happiness?
I don’t know. I don’t know that I will ever find it and be able to keep it.
I feel happiness when I am knitting. I feel happiness when I am in my garden. I feel happiness when I am writing. I feel happiness when I am singing. I feel happiness when I am playing with my children or gazing at their sleeping faces.
The rest of the time, I feel blank to avoid grieving.