Mid-Slumber Musings
I should be asleep. Indeed, I will need to wake up in another few hours for an hour of travel via public transportation to get to work since both of my vehicles bit the dust last week. Never mind that my only duty in life is to go to work for eight hours of every weekday to make money even though I don’t even like money at all and even thinking about money is a drain on my soul. As a result of a series of unfortunate decisions made with the intent to do well, I am now the sordid owner of a number of reminders that I will be a guilty SOB every day for the rest of my life.
As soon as I logged into my blog account, my internet connection dropped, so I probably won’t even get to publish this lame diatribe about nothing important until long after “the passion” has left me.
Anyway, it is a fact of my life that other people have used their attitudes to control and/or manipulate me. I am completely used to people becoming so angry at me that they yell and berate me. I am so used to it that I have come to expect it from everyone. It is inevitable. The other way that people manipulate me is through silence. The weird thing about this is that I already live in silence. Usually, the only way I know how other people are feeling is if they yell at me about it. When people are silent, I have no clue. So, I just think that they hate me anyway. Because, why else would you willingly ignore another person? Honestly, have YOU ever ignored another person that you weren’t angry or feeling hateful toward? The most confusing part about that is that I have “ignored” people in a similar manner. But, it wasn’t because I was angry – it was because I didn’t know what to do. The fear of confronting such pain and sorrow and grief and depth of emotion and the fear of love and loss caused me to act in inaction. So, I guess maybe that’s how some people are – they don’t know what to do so they don’t do anything. No clue. Frustrated. Tired. Feeling existential despair.
I had a litany of complaining and scathing things to type out that I’d thought of over the past hour of tossing and turning… but I don’t really remember them at this point.
I thought of all those things after waking up from a dream that my older son was drowning in a dam and I couldn’t get to him because I was waiting for my mother (who was about 1/4 of a mile away down the road and who acknowledged my frantic screaming but stopped to tend to some flowers along the way anyway) to come watch my younger son so I could go get my older son. In this endless loop of fear and frustration I was stuck until in the dream, I finally just decided to forget about any help from my mom and ran down the hill to find my drowning son only to discover that he had been rescued and taken to some hospital that I had never heard of and didn’t know the location of. In the state of panic and confusion only a parent can feel during the crisis of a lost child, I awoke. Of course, I went to check on my son.
I went back to bed with the full intent of getting back into REM so I’d be dead to the world for a few hours. Unfortunately, the adrenaline rush that had woken me up had done it’s job thoroughly – I was no longer tired at all. So, I tossed and turned and finally got up due to becoming angry and indignant based on the foggy reasoning that one experiences during these times. I forgot what I was all worked up about, but I’m sure it had something to do with feeling upset that people sometimes ignore me since that’s how I began the post. I just don’t quite remember what I was so upset about, since people ignore other people all the time – what’s the point in getting upset when people ignore ME in particular? I don’t even know anymore.
The truth is, for about the past month, I’ve been overwhelmed. I keep having completely ridiculous thoughts:
- “Maybe I should drink a bottle of alcohol so I can knock myself out.”
- “Maybe I should take a bunch of medicine so I can be dead to the world.”
- “Maybe I should become a drug addict so I don’t care about anything else anymore.”
- “Maybe I should fall down that hill and hopefully break my leg so that I will have to suffer for awhile.”
- “Maybe I should do something awful at work so I’ll get fired and mess up everyone’s lives more than I already do.”
- “Maybe I should just die so everyone else’s lives get better.”
Yes, I realize the failure of logic in these lines of reasoning. But, like I said, I am overwhelmed. So, apparently, I begin to fantasize about sabotaging the only normal things in my life – my health and my relatively stable work routine. I don’t drink or do drugs and rarely take medicine… but I am so tired. It’s in my soul though, so even sleeping can’t fix that. But, at least I don’t have to think and remember and feel emotions while I’m asleep (unless I’m having a nightmare, of course).
I can’t sleep an unbroken night’s sleep these days because every time I wake up for any reason – be it to pee or because one of my kids hears a fly in their room – I can’t easily get back to sleep. And, I am the kind of person who has an immensely difficult time calming my brain down once I get up. See, that’s where being a farmer would be great – I’d ALWAYS have something to do. I always have things to do anyway, but at this point I can’t just run outside and do major projects. Mostly because my youngest wakes up a lot during the night and ends up sleeping with me just so I can sleep through the night. In fact, he woke up shortly after I started typing this post and is now fast asleep and dreaming on my lap, draped over my left arm which is feeling tired because I’m holding him up with my forearm as I type. He sure is cute, though.
I’m feeling tired, so maybe I’ll lie back down for awhile and see if I can sleep for the remaining two hours of my allotted sleep time. I’ll see I guess. Take it easy.