Turnabout Tuesday…
I’m not feeling too terribly bad today, thankfully, but I do have one very frustrating thought reiterating through my mind: “Everybody would be better off without me.”
I am sick of thinking that. I know it’s not true, but I still think it all the time.
So, while I listen to some Doc Watson music, I shall attempt to convince my brain of that statement’s falsity. Thus, this has become Turnabout Tuesday – the game where I speak to myself realistically and try to get my brain out of its depressive tendencies.
So, first I need to figure out what I mean by saying, “Everybody would be better off without me.”
Realistically, I am not close to anybody other than my children and their father. I have many siblings, but am not particularly close with any of them. I talk to them when I have something to say or they ask me a question about something. I talk to my mother maybe once every two months – if that. I have acquaintances, but I wouldn’t consider them close or good friends.
Maybe the real problem is that I don’t feel like I have any worth in the world. That’s probably one of my most deep-seated beliefs: I am worthless.
I’m not even sure what I mean when I think that, but I think it anyway. I don’t know how my life is beneficial to other people. I know my children love me. In fact, as far as I can tell, they are the only reason I was ever born. I was born so that they would be born. I can’t think of any other important reason that I’m actually alive.
All other interpersonal relationships in my life were (or are) stilted, difficult to maintain, full of misunderstandings, and have been painful for me (and likely for the other parties involved).
When I hear other people talk about their purpose or passion in life, I feel envious. When I hear people talk about their “lifelong friends”, I feel envious. I don’t know what that feels like – to feel secure in one’s place in the world or to have friends who have known and loved you for decades. I can imagine it must feel very comforting and pleasant, but I have never felt like that.
I want to blame it on other people, “Those a-holes have been manipulating me since the day I was born.” But, I can’t. Because, I’ve always known that they were trying to manipulate me, I just went along because I thought that was my purpose… to serve other people. I did all the things I have done which go against my personal convictions with full knowledge that my soul was begging me not to do those things and to stand up for myself. I did what I was supposed to, though, and buried my feelings.
See, I’ve always felt like I am worthless and not worthy of respect or consideration. I know now that that’s not true. But, it took me the first 25+ years of my life to actually realize that, or have courage to ask for respect as an individual.
I have no explanation.
I thought I was doing the “right” thing because it is the right thing… for everyone else. I did what they said was right for no other reason than that I believed they were more important than I am.
I feel so guilty and bad and mean in my current life because I am finally on the path I have always needed to follow. I feel like I hurt other people just by existing. I feel it is selfish of me to consider my needs because my needs shouldn’t even be [in the building, let alone] on the table.
I don’t know how to break out of that trap that exists in my mind, but I am trying my hardest to get out of it.
I can’t imagine myself as “important”, where my ideas and hopes and dreams are special to other people. I just can’t imagine it. I know I am important to my children because I am their mother and I’ve been with them every single day of their lives… but if I died, they’d adapt. They would miss me, but they’d adapt.
I don’t know what goodness I bring to their lives. I try to pay attention to them and listen to them and hug them and show them love, but I still feel disconnected. I hope they know how much I care about them. I don’t understand why they like me and want to play with me, it’s so foreign to me that there are little humans who want to be around me. And, I enjoy being around them, too, I just don’t always remember how to be present with them. I do love those little humans, though, in a very deep way. I do my best with what I’ve got, but I don’t know if my best is good enough.
I am away from them for most of every weekday, which sucks. I leave before they wake up and when I get home, I have to spend a fair amount of time doing chores, cooking dinner, etc. I try to include them in whatever I’m doing, and they are very helpful children… but I still have to attend to household duties while they are trying to tell me about their lives or wanting to play chess or dress up or tickle monster. I wish I had more time to just hang out with them.
I don’t like being sad all the time, but there’s nothing else I can do about it. My brain doesn’t function properly to produce the correct neurotransmitters. I literally cannot help feeling sad, despite my best efforts. It is not fun. The medicine and vitamins I take to correct these deficits work marginally. If I attempt to take larger doses so that I may feel even better, my body has an allergic reaction to the medicine. I really can’t win.
That hasn’t stopped me from trying, though.
Sometimes, I want to give up. A few times, I have given up and tried to die. I haven’t died yet, though, for whatever reason. I never expected to live to this age that I am; I could never picture myself past age 28. Now that I am 28, I fully expect to die any day. There are still about four months until I turn 29, so if I make it to Christmas 2013, I’ll have beat my superstition once and for all. If not… well… I’ll thank you beforehand for having the patience to read through my rambling monologues and give you my sincerest wishes that you’ll have a happy life.
In the meantime, I’m trying to live like I am alive.
So, I guess that is the turnabout: I am alive and I’m actually taking the time to live my life in the ways that bring me happiness. And, though I don’t always succeed in maintaining a positive outlook, my life is becoming pleasant overall.
I am living in the best circumstances I’ve ever had in my life, and I am working to make it better.
I have the idea that I know where my soul wants me to go, so I’m going.
I’ll let you know if I ever reach that magical place of serenity.