On Healthy Selfishness…
I am thinking about the term “Narcissist” and how it applies to me. Apparently, I am a “Narcissist”. Or, so I’ve been told by persons who (I believe) are using the term as a way to categorize my need for independence, dissatisfaction with just “settling”, and drive to do more and be more in my life.
When I use the term “Narcissist”, I am using it in the clinical sense. In psychology, the DSM-IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3) Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4) Requires excessive admiration.
5) Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6) Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7) Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8) Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.
9) Shows arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes.
It is also a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.
When I read this definition and then think of people looking at me and seeing someone who exhibits these behaviors, I want to weep. I don’t think I am better than anyone else, I don’t think I am entitled to special treatment, I don’t like asking anyone for anything, and I certainly don’t feel arrogant. I’m having a hard enough time trying to build up my self-esteem in the first place. Apparently, the idea that I have ANY self-esteem that isn’t a reflection of what other people tell me is somehow a bad thing?
I will go down the list of narcissistic tendencies to honestly discover whether or not I feel these things in my heart:
1) I do not feel grandiose. I used to exaggerate or flat out lie about a lot of things about myself when I was young, because I felt inadequate and boring. Now, though, I realize that I am who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t expect to be recognized as superior, because I know that I am not superior. Really, I would just like to be recognized as a person instead of a stereotype.
2) I definitely do not live in a fantasy world. I’ve never believed in fairy tales or white knights or happily ever after. I know that my life will only be as satisfactory as I allow it to be. I am working to be happy in the life I have, and I make a point not to waste time moaning and groaning about the life I wish I had. Frankly, if I want something, I know I will have to work hard to get it. Granted, there are some things I will probably never get… but that doesn’t mean I should give up on my hopes and dreams just because they aren’t currently a reality.
3) No, I do not think I am “special”, and I do not think there is some specific class of people I should be around. I honestly see everyone as equal, and I speak with people who speak to me, regardless of their “class”.
4) To be honest, excessive admiration creeps me out. It makes me very uncomfortable and highly suspicious. I do not require any admiration from anybody. I don’t actually believe any compliments anyone gives me anyway, because I figure folks are just being nice – not necessarily sincere. (Yes, this is a fault, I realize that. I am working on taking people at their word. :-/)
5) I do not have a sense of entitlement. I know I will only achieve what I set out to achieve. I don’t expect anything from anyone except myself.
6) I admit that I am, by nature, a wolf. I could probably be a very powerful politician if I so chose to be – stepping on and disposing of people without a care. However, I choose not to be that way. I decided (after being a kindergarten mob boss) when I was four years old that I didn’t want to be that way, so I am not.
7) I have a lot of empathy for people of all kinds, and I feel a generalized sense of empathy when I see someone hurting or suffering. However, I admit that when I am hard-hearted toward someone or feel that their “suffering” is a manipulation, I feel absolutely no empathy.
8) I don’t envy other people because I don’t waste time thinking about other people’s stuff or achievements. Again, I know that I need to do what I must to achieve my own goals. I don’t care whether other people are envying me or not. If they are, they are likely lacking something in their own lives…
9) As I posted about before, I have been called “aloof” many times. I don’t think I am actually aloof so much as preoccupied. And, not preoccupied with myself; I am preoccupied with doing what needs to be done.
So, this is why I don’t think I am a narcissist.
On a more positive note, many psychologists have stated that there is something called “healthy narcissism” or “healthy selfishness”, described as:
Some psychoanalysts and writers make a distinction between “healthy narcissism” and “unhealthy narcissism”…the healthy narcissist being someone who has a real sense of self-esteem that can enable them to leave their imprint on the world, but who can also share in the emotional life of others’.
— Simon Crompton, All about me (London 2007) p. 37
I feel like I am just learning how to be selfish.
I have never in my life done what I wanted to do, on my own terms.
As a child, I did whatever I was told out of fear of violence or criticism. As a youth, I did what I thought I was supposed to do out of fear of being disliked, ostracized, or criticized. As a young adult and well into adult-hood, I did what I thought I was supposed to based on my own feelings of self-hate, hopelessness, powerlessness, worthlessness, lack of self-respect, and lack of care/love for self.
In short, I have believed most of my life that I could only be loved or worthy of love if I did the things that pleased other people.
I no longer believe that.
In fact, I no longer seek the love or attention or approval of other people. I have no interest in living my life for other people’s opinions of me. It took me a long time (25 years) to realize that I am supposed to be the Me I am, not the Me they want me to be.
I admit that it is difficult to remember not to automatically push my own feelings and wants and needs to the back burner. I have a hard time remembering that my thoughts are just as valid as everyone else’s. I have a hard time remembering that I am just as important as everyone else is.
I feel like I am slowly gaining a sense of self that is not based on other people’s opinions or expectations of me.
I know that I will never be able to be truly “selfish”. And, I don’t really want to be. I enjoy helping other people out and I enjoy being around loved ones. I would just also like to be myself and be allowed to be and accepted as myself without constant criticism and attempts at emotional manipulation.
I know I will never be acceptable to other people because I cannot be what they want me to be. I will no longer pretend to be what they want me to be, because that is not who I really am.
I am learning to voice my opinions and voice my distaste and voice my true beliefs.
I am learning to be fearless.
And, so, if to be fearless I must also be healthily selfish, I will be.
I know now that I must respect myself, I must be true to myself, and I must care for myself before I can truly care for others.
I feel guilty about treating my own desires as worthy.
But, I know that if I don’t respect myself, nobody else will.
So, here I am, respecting myself and writing about unpleasant things which I know will cause issues with other people who don’t like that I write about unpleasant things.
Maybe someday soon, I can feel at peace about it.