I Wish…
I remember the first time I wished upon a star. I’d watched Pinocchio for the first time after my siblings and I received it on VHS at Christmas. I was four and a half years old – sitting in the back of a minivan, settling in for an hour long ride to evening church. I have always preferred to stare out the window while riding in the back of a vehicle, because it gives me time to think and imagine. I remember looking out the window and seeing one star in the darkening blue sky.
I had recently recognized that the moon and stars didn’t follow us when we were driving, that they were separate from us and we were traveling on the ground while they were traveling in the sky. I considered this revelation as my gaze wandered over to the moon. I thought about the moon and how the craters on its face formed shapes. Then, I remembered the fairy from Pinocchio, and her song about wishing on a star. So, I searched out that star again and recited the requisite, “Star light, star bright, First star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight.” as I tried to think of something to wish for. I vaguely recall coming up with some wish that had to do with Barbies, since that was “what girls are supposed to wish for”… and then I remember tagging a little afterthought about going fishing onto it because that’s what I really wanted.
The wish itself is quite insignificant to me, because the moment I pretended to make a wish, I realized that I was pretending to make a wish, and I realized nobody would know IÂ (specifically) “wanted Barbies” unless I told them so. I also recognized in that instant that other people in the world look at stars and make wishes of their own that nobody would know about unless they told. So, there were two massive realizations for me: a) there’s no point in wishing because wishes don’t come true in real life, and b) other people really do have hopes and dreams of their own and I liked the idea of helping other people realize their wishes.
Nothing has really changed for me. I’m the exact same person as I was at that point, except I have made many more realizations. Oddly, I do use the phrase “I wish” quite frequently. However, each time I say it, I say it with the understanding that the wish is fruitless and will never be realized. I say it in a way that is wistful and hopeless, yet I say it because the things I wish for would make my world simpler and it would be nice to have one wish come true without having to force it into existence.
Most of the time I wish for less troublesome interactions with people. “I wish people would listen.” or “I wish I never had to deal with this crap.” or “I wish people would just care about other people.” And, really, my wishes are mostly about decreasing stressful encounters or wanting to see other humans be kind.
Granted, I do have some selfish “wishes”. I can’t share them with you, though, because then they’ll never come true. (smiling here) Okay, they are mostly related to finding a male companion who I am attracted to, whose presence gives me flutters instead of dread (that’s a story for another post), who I am able to have interactive conversations and constructive debates with and who I can love freely without feeling like a nuisance for feeling love. (laughing sadly here)
Point being? I don’t believe in wishes. I know that anything I wish for is just fantasy, and the only way it will “come true” is if I find a way to make it come true.
I’ve been a realist since day one. Seriously, my first clearly conscious memory is from 15-16 months of age. My mother told me to watch my newborn sister while she went to the restroom. I put down my shape sorting box, went over to the dark-haired baby lying in light-colored blankets on the darkish leather couch, thought, “She’s so ugly.” and then immediately admonished myself for being mean and looked around to make sure my mom was still in her room and hadn’t heard my thought (come on, folks, I was a ONE YEAR OLD at the time – I didn’t realize other people couldn’t hear my thoughts for like three more years). And then I stood next to her and made sure she didn’t fall off the couch, and was holding her hand when my mom came back so she wouldn’t think I didn’t like the baby. I remember this very clearly. (Yes, I do have a good number of memories from when I was very young, though most of them are just sensory – sights and sounds and moments of conceptual understanding.) I knew that I thought that baby was ugly and I also knew that I wasn’t supposed to let other people KNOW that I thought she was ugly.
I’m still that same person. I know exactly what is socially acceptable, I know how to pretend to be socially acceptable, and I continue to have socially unacceptable thought processes while pretending to be acceptable. The main difference is that I no longer feel intense fear that other people will “hear my thoughts”. Because, I am telling them to you freely. Not because I think you care, but because I have spent every conscious moment since I was an infant trying to hide my true self from everyone else and I refuse to do so any longer.
I am trying to sort through this jumble of emotion I feel when considering “wishes” and trying to form a coherent supposition to test as I move forward through life.
I don’t know exactly how to phrase these things I am feeling, so I’ll pull them out of the jumble of emotion at my core when I think about “Why I don’t like wishing” and describe them to you:
– I love you.
– I want to believe I am a good person.
– I want to help other people.
– I don’t like feeling sad.
– I feel sad right now.
– I feel hopeless right now.
– I feel like this is a pointless exercise because you aren’t really reading this to understand what I am trying to say; I think you have some ulterior motive, and THAT brings even more sadness.
– I feel worthless because I don’t think you really care enough to try to understand, and I don’t know why I bother talking when nobody listens anyway.
– I think you’re just reading this just so you can come up with more reasons to dislike me.
– I don’t like complicated things.
– I want to be able to tell you in honest terms how I feel without censoring myself and automatically feeling foolish for doing so.
– I want you to tell me in honest terms how you feel without censoring yourself or automatically feeling foolish for doing so.
– I want to interact with you without fear of your thoughts of me.
– I want to be myself, and I want you to be yourself, but I want to tell you that there are things that don’t make sense and I want you to tell me when there are things that don’t make sense.
– I want everyone to be themselves without fearing the thoughts of others.
So, what do I want to say?
Dear Friend,
I know it is difficult to feel loved and appreciated. I know it is hard to deal with those things that go on in your life. I know that you are afraid.
My dear friend, I love you. I appreciate that you take the time out of your life to even try to understand me, even if I can’t understand why you’d do this.
I want you to know that I care about you deeply. I enjoy our conversations and I enjoy our debates. I don’t care if we disagree on some points, I don’t take any debates personally. I hope you don’t hold my contrarian positions against me, I really can’t help trying to bring up all sides of an issue. I appreciate it when you persist in the conversation without being patronizing, contemptuous, or rude. I also appreciate it when you actually take the time to digest my words instead of responding with defensive and cruel behavior.
I like to learn, and I think it is nice when we can all learn new things. I do realize that you have much of your identity invested in your opinions, and so that is why I accept it when you become defensive at my questions.
But, I still want to let you know that I have no judgments for you, only love. I point out the inconsistencies because I want to help you understand that feeling hate for other humans doesn’t make you a better human. I try to show you that your hate and superiority hurts other people.
I want to help you understand that it’s okay to feel love for people you don’t understand. I want to help you to understand that we are all flawed and we are all blind, but that this is okay.
I also want you to know that I see your flaws and don’t point them out to be mean, but to show you that when you get angry at other people, it’s because you are angry at yourself. I recognize this, and I know it makes you uncomfortable that I recognize this.
I allow you to be angry with me, because I recognize that you are afraid that I see your vulnerabilities. I forgive you for your angry thoughts and words and the hate and disgust you feel for me when I persist in my attentions, and I hope you can forgive me for bringing your attention to those things you do not like to think too deeply about.
I know you don’t want to think about those things because they are uncomfortable and you are frightened when you are focusing on your own flaws, but I think it is important that we all see our own flaws so that we may be kinder when we recognize them in other people.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being “wrong”, because we’re all right AND wrong. I don’t think you’re “wrong” just because we may disagree, I am just trying to show you that your idea of “wrong” is somebody else’s idea of “right”, and that it’s okay to be on either side of the issue without feeling hate for the people who identify more with the opposite tenets of your mutual understanding.
Friend, you are important to me, and I love to hear your opinions. I thank you for sharing them with me, even when we have misunderstandings.
Friend, I want you to know that I will help you make your wishes come true if I can. But, I can’t help you unless you tell me what your wishes are. So, tell me. I want to help you realize your dreams in the ways that I can. Maybe you can help me, too.
I enjoy your company and I like you as a person, regardless of your personal convictions.
Take care of yourself, but know that you need not be afraid of me. I offer you my love and support at all times and hope you will confide in me if you need anything. I am good secret-keeper and a good problem solver, and I love to come up with outlandish alternatives in seemingly hopeless situations. Just ask.
With warmth and loving smiles,
– Jane