Midmost Shame…

By Jane Tanfei|Feb 19 2014 | Psychology, Thoughts

Nigh on a year ago, I vowed to myself (in the post On Shame…) that the shame in my heart was breathing its last breaths.

I’ve been busting through those pockets of shame with a sledgehammer, hauling out those sharp edges that have caused me to feel broken, and patching up the holes with thoughts based in reality. I think I am finally down to those last tidbits of shame I feel, shame about myself and things that happened in my life that I keep hidden. I feel like this is a burden I need to get rid of.

I still can’t publicly say all of the things that I keep hidden, because it is still actively painful. Really, very painful to me to even think of. I’ve mentioned some of these things vaguely in other posts, and… I’m just going to say it. My shame is centered on the instances of verbal & physical abuse, molestation, rape, and self-destructive behaviors of my past. Oh, and having a failed marriage that I have to keep telling people about. Over and over and over.

I know there is still shame surrounding these events and memories, because I can’t even bring myself to speak about them. I’m really trying hard not to go back and erase the words I posted in the last paragraph because I don’t want people to know about these things. The reason I can’t talk about them is that I don’t want [rude, judgmental, unforgiving, uncaring, crass, petty, vengeful] people to know details because they will use my pain against me. This is a fact of my life.

I’m going to be honest: the deep-set shame comes directly from the nasty words, sneering faces, religious reproach, socially conformist and/or materialistic attitudes of people I have encountered in my life.

The worst part is that I don’t even really listen to those people on a conscious level – it’s that tiny, hidden, insecure part of me that absorbs their judgment and repeats it incessantly to let me know I’m not good enough.

Here are the things I actively feel that I know are shame:

1. I am not worthy of love, because nobody has ever loved me as an equal and valuable partner.
2. I am not worthy of friendship or care because so many people throw away my friendship due to stupid misunderstandings.
3. The only reason I exist is so that people can use me to their own ends because it is when I take a stand for myself and refuse to compromise my morals to please them that they leave me behind.
4. I am a mistake, and should have never been born because I can never be the “normal” person everyone wants me to be.
5. Everybody would be better off if I were dead because then I’d never bother them with my unwanted reality checks.
6. I ruin everyone else’s lives because they tell me I ruin their lives by just being myself.
7. I have deserved all of the bad things that have happened to me because I couldn’t prevent them, so they were my fault somehow.
8. I deserve to suffer because I don’t deserve to be treated well or thought of as a good person.
9. I don’t deserve to feel happy because I am a worthless piece of shit that’s only good for using until you’re tired of me.
10. I feel happy, so I’ll probably die soon, because I don’t deserve to live a good life.

Logically, I know these thoughts are flawed and false – invented as a survival mechanism. But, I still have a very hard time comforting myself and telling myself that I know I am a good person and I am worthy.

It is very hard. But, I was able to make this post and not erase it, so that means I am progressing. I’m getting there. I’m tearing up as I type this, feeling afraid and wanting to run and hide so you can’t talk to me about my shame… but I’m getting there.

Shame, your days ARE numbered.