Pulling Calm from Chaos…
The one thing I don’t like about my life is that is intermittently, against my will, chaotic. I get stuck in ideas sometimes – trying to figure out the point of these situations. I know, intuitively, that there is a reason for those experiences, but I have a hard time just accepting that the “ah-ha moment” can’t come until after I’ve sifted through the turmoil to find the truth.
Sometimes, I have to sift through with a fine-mesh sieve, because the situation is one that just keeps happening over and over and I can’t understand the point of it. I’ll be the first to admit that it takes me a long time to “get” stuff sometimes. Not because I have any lack of intelligence, but because I just don’t understand how other people allow awful things to pass as acceptable, even preferable. That injustice is just not something I can let pass easily. It totally boggles my mind that otherwise good people can and do allow others to act terribly for the sake of “keeping the peace”.
I mean, on the one hand, I understand that when one feels helpless, it seems like there’s nothing else to do. But, when one has an equal level of ability and sense of self-worth and one has the power to help others through a simple act of kindness? I just cannot see any excuse for allowing the negativity to go unchecked. I see that it is fear that prevents people from standing up for what is right, but I also see that it causes them guilt or shame when they look back at what they could have done.
And so, chaos reigns because chaos feeds on fear. At the same time, though, chaos can easily be staved off by those who are willing to exercise their own power.
One thing I think is very interesting is that human are, by nature, very willing to let other people speak for them and make decisions for them. This does make sense anthropologically, because we are herd animals. What doesn’t make sense is that we’re all well aware by now that we don’t have to be herd animals to survive or succeed.
But, then, I wonder: what if some people DO NOT have any intuition or natural instincts, so they believe they must blend in to survive? I can’t imagine having no intuition, but that’s because it’s very strong in me. But, what if there are people who really feel like they have no control of their lives unless they have a leader to look to, a leader to tell them what to do so they don’t have to exist in crisis while they try to figure it out for themselves?
So, that leads me to the idea that people conform willingly because it’s just easier to.
As far as I can tell, that’s what some people actually think: It’s too messy and awkward and painful to be different, so it’s better to just follow or blend in.
And then I think: Are we really that lazy?
Humans are extremely lazy when it comes to mental battles, this is a fact. We cut corners when possible, resist ideas and realities that will cause us to change, and go to extremes to stay within our range of comfort. I’d even go so far as to posit that a lot of humans are seemingly incapable of critical thought because they already know there are other people out there to do the thinking for them.
Which is weird. Really, really weird to me.
So, I turned this back around to myself: What is it that I am lazy about? Or, what are the things that I do without considering them?
Here’s what I came up with:
1) Choosing to ignore my intuition when I know something doesn’t feel right. “I’ll let it slide this one time, and speak up if it happens again.”
2) Choosing inaction when I could easily take a stand, because I “already have a lot on my plate” or “it will just turn into a stupid argument”.
3) Tuning people out internally, instead of just telling them, “Thank you for your input, but since you have proven you are incapable of constructive conversation, I am no longer listening to you.” I’ve realize that I unintentionally allow people to prattle on with insults, and this gives them the idea that I am actually affected by their words. So, then they choose to repeat that behavior because it gives them satisfaction to think they are “hurting” me… even though they lost all possible credibility (and my attention) as soon as they shifted from ‘topic at hand’ to ‘personal insult’.
4) Mostly, not just telling people to STFU when they’ve gone too far or walking away as soon as I recognize the futility of trying to explain complex concepts to people who cannot think critically.
And so, moving forward, I’m going to be mindful of this – that I DO tune out and that people DO think I’m still listening to them. I haven’t intentionally been pretending to listen, I just have a lot of other stuff going on that I shift my focus to. I recognize now that I need to just say, “Hey, that’s the end of it: you try to insult me, you aren’t worth talking to.”
Traditionally, I’ve tried to remain peaceable and kind to everyone, despite their consistently rude behaviors – accepting their self-centered lack of care and proof they are incapable of critical thought as “temporary anger”, because “they don’t ALWAYS act like that”.
I guess the thing I didn’t recognize is that people hold grudges about (what are, to me) really strange things. I thought that they were just grouchy sometimes, but in reality, the separate instances of negativity were all connected, and the “hate” was based on prejudice rooted in a grudge.
I see now that people are people and this means they are CHOOSING not to have any depth. And so, why should I even bother thinking they have potential to act any differently?
I think I’ve finally realized that there’s no point in giving people benefit of the doubt. Because, I finally understand that they don’t actually want to be liked as individuals, they want to be liked for their status as part of their chosen herd.
I realize now that I’ve been going about it the wrong way. Instead of truly believing that every individual is capable of everything, I need to recognize that only those people who PROVE they are capable of extraordinary things are actually capable of being more than a member of the herd.
And, that’s really very sad to me.
I guess I have always been a little naïve – thinking that people would actually prefer to have a personal identity, or prefer to be liked for more than their superficial societal ranking.
I finally understand this, though. It makes sense to me now why I’ve always wondered, “Why do people complain about being misunderstood or different when they have a group of people who are the same as them RIGHT THERE?” (Think high school labeling of “freaks” or whatever.) I really envied people who could fit into a group and have a group of friends to hang out with, because I never could pull it off. And, I couldn’t understand what I was doing “wrong”.
I understand it now – those who complain are the ones who aren’t able to blend in the right way, they are unable to entirely surrender their sense of “self” to be accepted. They are pretending to fit into the group, but cannot actually be assimilated because they still have some conceptual understanding of what is right or wrong for them as a person.
And, that’s just an amazing concept to me: We aren’t supposed to have a personal moral code if we are to be accepted in society!
And, that thought makes me really want to run in the opposite direction as fast as I possibly can – feet churning and yelling, “Get me outta here!”
That’s really disturbing to me, because now I see that I’ve known this all along – that’s why I used to pretend, and why people could STILL see that I didn’t fit with them, despite my most extreme efforts to shield my true self from discovery. I still had a personal code that I couldn’t change or ignore, and so saying, “Hey, wait, this isn’t nice, people.” would cause them anger because that is, in essence, a direct reminder that they are intentionally ignoring their innate personal codes of conduct.
And so, where does that leave me?
Here, recovering from recent chaos with an eerie sense of sorrow-tinged calm.
I mourn the idea that people don’t want to be loved as individuals. But, I also feel better knowing that there’s no reason for me to love them. I understand now that it is a waste of time and resources to try to care for people who do not want care from anyone outside of their preferred social group. I can focus my attentions on those who do want to be loved for who they are at heart. And, that gives me joy.
Authentic individuals, you are loved. And, now, I have even more free love to hand out. 🙂