The Send-off…
I am flip-flopping – still – on if I want to share this information. It is painful to me, but I need to get it outside of myself because I need to reflect upon it from an external viewpoint.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve tried to solve a problem in my mind – how do I find a balance between what I intuitively know I am “worth” and how people actively treat me?
For most of my life, I have believed I deserve to be treated badly. Because, people treat me badly. All the time. It’s a constant, really. I’m just now learning that I don’t have to allow those people in my life. It’s such a simple concept – don’t give them the opportunity. And, I’ve always worked that way to some degree, but now I’m kind of in a “no tolerance” mindset. I recognize that I just don’t have time for defamation or gossip in my life. It’s pointless to hear it, and it’s pointless to talk to people who are incapable of anything but slanderous talk toward me.
I’ve been thinking about my emotions, how I feel about other people. And, I see that there is just not enough depth available in the world. I see now that a lot of people operate on a very thin level of acceptance – anything that challenges them to reach for a deeper level of acceptance causes them to feel upset. And, I upset people by seeing their capability for depth.
I’ve been thinking about myself, how I have perceived myself as a person. I have, by and large, perceived myself as worthless. This is because I have mostly been treated as if my thoughts, opinions, and feelings are worthless. Truth be told, I am a worthless annoyance to probably 85% of the people I’ve ever met in my entire life. Likely more. I feel a lot of pain when I think that, but I also can see that this is true, when I reflect upon their behavior. Those people all act pretty much the same toward me – they cannot accept me for who I am and were constantly trying to force me to change through insult and spite. And, I see that my feelings of love or caring for them are worthless, wasted, because there can never be a reciprocal relationship with people who believe they are entitled to treating other humans like they are worthless.
If you treat other people like they are worthless, GTFO of my life. Right now. If you don’t leave of your own accord, I will kick you out.
I’ve been thinking about myself, how I have perceived myself as a female. I have, by and large, perceived myself as nothing more than a sperm receptacle. This is because I’ve mostly been treated as a sperm receptacle. Truth be told, I am a potential sperm receptacle to probably 85% of the males I’ve ever met in my entire life. Likely more. I feel a lot of pain when I think that, but I also can see that this is true, when I reflect upon their behavior. They do not want anything to do with me as a person, they just care about the potential for sex.
I am a person.
I AM A PERSON!
I am not a disposable toy.
I am not a piece of property.
I do have my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
I have just as much right to express my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as you do.
I am worthy of acceptance.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of care.
I am worthy of respect, even when I disagree with you.
I will continue to care for other people. I see that there are kind people who are willing to have constructive conversations, and who are willing to take the time to think before acting. These people are few and far between, but they do exist. And, that reality feels me with joy. There are good people who are willing to accept me as I am, and who are willing to have reciprocal and mutually beneficial friendships simply because they can.
As a result, I will no longer tolerate this idea that other people can continue to treat me as worthless or somehow inferior simply because they can.
This is unacceptable.
Things just got real. I’m even glaring in an “oh, it’s on” way as I type this. I am very serious.
No longer will I make any effort to spare your (general) feelings and, thus, abide by this idea that it’s okay to treat other humans as “less than worthy” just because you must make a show of posturing to keep your insecurities in check. You will hear from me, you certainly will.
– Jane.