Realization : Kindness
This morning I realized that I am a kind person.
I have always technically KNOWN this, but today I realized it. What I mean is, I realized that I am inherently kind and compassionate – my first thoughts when I see someone struggle aren’t thoughts of disgust or dismissal, they are thoughts of how I can help the other person.
Recently, I helped a distraught woman pay for her bus fare. She was really upset – talking about a series of misfortunes she’d had this morning on her way to work as she was looking for her bus pass. Then, she didn’t actually have a bus pass in her wallet and her voice choked up in tears and she was just standing there looking at nothing, all dejected. The other people on the bus were sitting there staring at her in amusement – like this was great entertainment to start the day. I got out my wallet and gave her the bus fare so she could get to work. On the one hand, I’m well aware this woman may have been a swindler. On the other hand, it’s just $1.50. And, it may have genuinely helped her out. So, it was the right thing to do.
What I saw, though, was the way those other people sat looking at her, without a second thought, “She didn’t come prepared, screw her.” And, I realized that those people likely did not have any amount of compassion – that the thought to help never even crossed their minds. Or, if it did, it was instantly dismissed with a, “Why should I spend my hard-earned money to help HER?”
And so, I have thought about it: Those 12 people who sat there aren’t unique in any way. In fact, I started to recognize that those people are just like the people who I always have trouble with. Those are the same self-righteous people who sit around all day gossiping and judging other people, treat anyone outside of their group of friends like garbage, then talk about how “blessed” they are. I know those people well, because they are the ones who are always harassing ME as their gossip/hate target.
I’ve recently had some inconsolable sorrow, surfacing when words of hate from some of these people became stuck in my mind. I was fairly upset because I felt sad that I am so “hated”, and that’s just IT. This happens relatively often: something reminds me of a problem I’ve had – a friendship found false, words spoken with cruel intentions, a series of gang-up days where 10+ people call me names with impunity – and I feel upset.
What I realized today, though, is that those people are not kind. Those people are not kind in ANY way. See, up to this point, I thought they were probably just rude to me, specifically. I already know people will be rude to me; it’s because I get annoyed with their crap and call them on it bluntly, and because I will not change this.
What I realized today is that they are just plain mean people, period. They are intentionally two-faced: sickly sweet on the outside, but really only interested in hurting people. They are incapable of being kind to anyone who doesn’t fit their idea of “acceptable” or “worthy of help”, because it doesn’t serve them any purpose – they can’t benefit from being kind. They need some return on investment, and can’t get that if they help someone else GET OUT OF adversity. They trade only in other people’s misfortune.
I understand now that these people are incapable of forming the critical thought that leads to understanding and/or compassion.
They’ve never had to learn to be genuinely compassionate, because they have never had life experiences where others have had to show THEM compassion. They’ve never had to be humble or at the mercy of others. They have lived these lives of privilege and safety and falsity. They truly do not understand what it is to have no choice but to face adversity. This is why they can pretend to care: work at a soup kitchen once a year and tell everyone they meet about this, “defend” the underdog one time when it won’t make anyone think badly of them, give a homeless person a dollar while their kids are in the car… They can do these things because it helps to feed their illusion that they are “good people”. Their true actions – the ones that are secret because there are only strangers around – are indicative of the exact opposite.
What I’ve realized is that I’ve always know this on some level. I’ve always known they were false and ill-mannered and easy to provoke. What I didn’t realize is that this is because they are incapable of compassion on any realistic level. As in, their first thoughts during a new situation are of disgust, hate, and dismissal.
I feel sorry for them. I really feel sorry for them. On the one hand, I do see that ignorance is bliss. They can live in their ignorance of true pain because they are allowed to. On the other hand, I hope that someday they are on the receiving end of those dispassionate, amused stares of distaste. Because, frankly, that’s bullshit. Honestly, I know these people go through their lives without any hard luck. They are in the “excusable” demographic – they can be as disrespectful and backbiting and asshole-ish as they want to, because everyone makes excuses for them and treats them like they are special and deserving of accolades.
I don’t treat them like they are special and have never done so. I see now that I have always known that their lack of kindness hurts people in ways they can’t even imagine – and that is why I always needed to point out their lies and judgments. They are very narrow-minded because they are also intentionally unthinking. They get to feel pride and satisfaction with their shallow barbs and intentional hate, and their targets just get to feel pain.
THAT is where my rebellion comes from – it is that injustice of the entitled vs. the target. The entitled gets to come out on top, for no reason, with no work, just because.
“Just because” does not sit well with me.
This makes me glad I’ve pointed out to those people what giant hypocrites they are. This makes me glad that I’ve been able to largely ignore their words as the babble of idle gossips. This makes me glad to have laughed in their faces at the pitifully transparent attempts at insult. This makes me glad I don’t have to worry about their ridiculousness in my future.
I do, however, know that there will be more of these people in my future. They’re all over the place.
I understand this, though: If I am capable of being kind when nobody is watching, I do not need to feel upset by the judgments of those who cannot do the same.
And, that is a something enormous to me, because I have just given myself permission to be kind… to myself.
Have a good day,
– Jane