The Business of Being – ‘Bland’ Edition…
I have come to realize that I feel that I am bland, as compared to the rest of the world.
Some of the synonyms I found for bland are: uninteresting, dull, boring, tedious, monotonous, dry, drab, dreary, wearisome, dull, unremarkable. I don’t necessarily believe that I am any of these things at all times, but I do know that I am each of these things at one time or another.
Realistically, the reason I’m “bland” is because I am not exciting in a worldly way. My interests don’t generally lie in the realm of extreme or thrilling. I don’t have any outrageous stories of excess to tell, have never been on any amazing adventures, dress plainly, am not painted literally or figuratively, do not have elaborate needs or wants, am quiet, do not have a quick wit, am incapable of sustained banter, and have simple tastes all around.
I realized recently that this has caused me to feel inferior or as a lesser being when I am in the company of boisterous people. I feel like there’s nothing to say or do, because anything I say or do is overshadowed or overtaken by the other people anyway. There’s no point in even trying to keep anyone else’s interest when there’s a “show stopper” in the room. So, I generally just melt into the shadows until I slip away unnoticed.
Honestly, I’m only too glad not to be the center of attention. I’m not a great conversationalist, I don’t have any amazing sense of humor, no flirty presence, no mystery or intrigue. Also, I definitely prefer not to be looked upon with expectations of entertainment. However, it is disheartening when there’s just no way to keep other people’s attention, even to a simple conversation. This is not vain or shallow, I am trying to say that it’s truly discouraging to try to form friendships with distracted people who are most interested in trying to impress the coolest kid in town. Not that it’s particularly fruitful to attempt friendship with people who are only out to impress… but, it still stings that there’s just no reason to even imagine they could be friends.
When I was young, I used to pretend I was gregarious and interesting. I’d make up stories, boast, act “cute”, bat my eyelashes, and whatever else it took for others to treat me as if I was interesting. And, it was all falsity – I put that persona on every day like a costume.
The reality is this: I do not want to wear a costume every day of my life.
I enjoy cosplay, sure. I like to dress up for Halloween, no question. Sometimes, I randomly choose to wear Victorian-era clothing for no reason at all – I can admit this. But, this is not ME as a person, it is just a different way to dress that is fun or interesting in that moment. I can’t say I feel like dressing up every day, because I don’t. I would get weary of being exactly the same every day so that I could maintain a persona. I change too much, I don’t want to be the same thing every day for years on end just so I could be recognized as “that girl who…” I’d dread getting up every day to put on my costume of whatever materialistic features I had to claim just to show people my “identity”.
I don’t know that I have an identity. Or, there’s no particular group I fit completely into. I have whims and interests, there are things I like to experience, things I enjoy that can be classified in specific categories. But, I just like those things. They are not my identity, and I certainly don’t feel the need to dress or act a certain way just to show everyone else in the world that I have some classifiable interests or characteristics. I don’t feel the need to express myself in loud ways, or draw all eyes to me. It’s just not how I am.
I can be a chameleon, of course. I just don’t feel any urge to do this. I choose not to wear a costume now.
So, I will be charmless and unremarkable. That’s just the way it goes.
I have just now decided that I will not, however, continue to feel unimportant or uninteresting or not worth talking to simply because I don’t force myself to be something I am not.
Those who can appreciate this are interested, regardless. Those who don’t just won’t. There’s nothing to be done, there’s no reason to feel anxiety or upset about this. Humans are humans, and there are some humans who don’t want to pretend. I know I can find them.
That’s a pretty significant thought to me: It’s a-ok to be plain Jane, because some people will find interest anyway.
Take care.