A Glimpse into Grief…
I had a thought today that has caused a sustained period of grief in my heart. The thought was about some other person, a person I care for, but the thought was also of myself and my own failures. A memory surfaced immediately after the thought, and I began to cry.
I felt an acute sense of loss and pain, and I began to grieve for those things I have lost. I grieved for those things I want, the things I need, the things I hope for. I felt, then, that I am lost. I felt an intense sense of sorrow.
I wrote several pages in my journal, trying to sort out the feelings. My writing went through the stages of grief:
1) Denial – “I probably just misunderstood, I’m upset for no reason.”
2) Anger – “I can’t believe this, what’s the point of this?!”
3) Bargaining – “If I could just explain, maybe it would be different.”
4) Depression – “It is hopeless anyway. Why bother?”
5) Acceptance – “There’s nothing I can do about it.”
But, that did not soothe me. I was able to stop myself from crying, but I was not able to calm myself enough to not feel agitated. So, I went for a walk. It didn’t help. In fact, I started to hyperventilate because my level of upset rose to an almost panic level.
So, I went into a thicket. I sat down, hugged my knees, and wept.
That’s really all I can do. When I was finished crying, I stood up and walked away – pulled myself back into the moment because I have duties, responsibilities, and I cannot allow myself to grieve for things I cannot change. I have to show a placid front, I have to smile at people, I have to be pleasant.
I am not supposed to grieve, because there isn’t anything “real” to grieve for. My feelings are just my feelings. They are inconsequential. The things I grieve for, the thought that has grieved me… That is all in my mind.
I grieve every day, in some way. This was my grief today.