Fuzzy-headed Thoughts…
Feeling strange because I think I am entering a new mindset or range of understanding.
Lately, I’ve been working to remove myself from intentional exposure to situations and ideas that I know I am sensitive to. I feel better and much calmer overall, but I also feel guilty about it.
I kind of feel that I shouldn’t have a right to safeguard my heart because “everyone else” says those things are great. And, I really can see how those things are perfectly normal and acceptable to society… I can see how to rationalize these things, and I can tell myself all of the stories about how to accept those things as “good”. But, they are not good to me. That’s just not how I feel on a personal level.
Intuitively, I just KNOW what things aren’t good for me. I do see that I’m “too” (as in, the social norm is to be apathetic toward or indiscriminately tolerant of things I intuitively cannot bear) sensitive to certain things. I’ve tried desensitizing by exposing myself to these things… but it just makes it worse on me emotionally. I recognize that these things erode my sense of well-being and cause me to become overwhelmed with life very quickly.
Mostly, I’ve been working to keep myself from being overwhelmed, and keep myself from feeling like I have to run away.
I realize I can’t just run into the forest and never be seen again, but I also realize that to maintain a life in society, I must make every day as comfortable for myself as possible.
I am learning to feel comfortable speaking about and realizing my personal needs. I am learning to be confident in my choices and changes.
I have noticed that I STILL second guess my intuition, even as I make the conscious effort to follow it, because I STILL have the idea that I am supposed to adhere to societal norms. It’s very hard to follow my heart, because I am also entirely aware that I’m doing things “wrong”. I have a running commentary in my mind that reminds me of how backward I am and how I know the “correct” (i.e. socially acceptable or normal) things that would make everything “right”.
For example, I am having a difficult time lately with being “single”. Not the fact that I’m unattached, but that other people know this and so then look at me as available. Truthfully, I love being single because I don’t have to answer to anyone else or waste my life catering to or limited by someone else’s fear. I dislike even thinking about dating. I feel really forlorn and hopeless when I try to consider it. The thoughts I actually think?
1) “I should just go back to my ex-husband, and then I could go back into auto-mode. I’d live out the rest of this miserable life without any struggle.”
2) “I should just take up with whoever is attracted to me as long as he has a good job or is rich, because my feelings don’t matter anyway and at least someone wants me. At least I wouldn’t have to work anymore.”
These feelings are coming to the surface more often recently because of males showing interest in me, whereas I have absolutely no romantic interest in them. I feel like I’m “supposed to” feign interest and “supposed to” give them a chance to woo me… and I just don’t even want to bother with that mess.
I have no interest in pretending to like them as anything more than friends. I have no interest in leading them on with any idea those relationships could be anything more than basic friendships. I already know they can’t be. There’s no question of this in my mind.
For one thing, I know full well that going into a life of unwilling matrimony will cause me to long for death. For another thing, these thoughts are just so ridiculous that I can’t even comprehend why I’d consider them.
Well, I do know – it’s laziness. I get tired of having to EARN every single thing without shortcuts. I feel like I waste so much freaking time EARNING things when I also know there are far easier ways to get what I want.
I know I can be cold and calculating, I know how to get things the easy way. I know how to butter up the boys and make them squirm, so they’ll do whatever I ask. I know how to pretend to be in love. I know how to settle. And, I could do that, for the measly price of Self. That thought disgusts me, even as it is appealing to me. Because, what does it matter? Everyone else does that stuff, right? Everyone else gets what they want through any means necessary… Why shouldn’t I?
Because my heart tells me it is not right for me.
I hate that I can’t get out of that brainwashing, though. I hate that this is so deeply ingrained in me that I feel my heart’s words are abhorrent and that it would be better to be unfeeling and uncaring and manipulate my way to success.
I’m slowly coming into my own, but it’s difficult because I have no idea what I am doing at all. I’m really just forcing myself to listen to my heart and gut feelings.
And, in truth, the goodness of my current life has all come from following my feelings. I can say with complete certainty that my life did not become “good” until I threw all preconceived notions out the window and started following my heart instead of my mind.
I’m still only a few years into being Me, and I think that’s why I often feel lost. I truly feel like I am in limbo sometimes, floating aimlessly in a blank void. There’s no frame of reference or way to mark a path… I’m just going forward because I know I need to. When I pull myself back to this moment and whittle away the anxiety and doubt, I find that at the root of everything is a tiny glowing bean of warmth and peace.
I DO know I am becoming who I need to be, I just need to stop sabotaging myself by falling back into the safety of pretense.