Mid-Year Meditation

By Jane Tanfei|Jul 10 2014 | Thoughts

It’s more than halfway through the year, so I want to revisit my Non-Resolute Ideals for 2014 to see if I’ve followed through with my heretofore whimsical goals, most of which I’d completely forgotten I resolutely planned to do. Here we go…

1. Solidify plans for farm or homestead.
   I’m still trying to figure out how to do this, but I have found a set of programs that connect greenhorns to farmers who are willing to teach farming and then transition ownership of their farms to the newbies over time. This holds much potential and excitement for me; I am making connections and following leads to see if I might find a farmer to work with on such a venture.

   I also decided definitively that I want to focus my extra time/efforts on plant cultivation, regardless of how the farmstead idea pans out. I realized that it is essential to my holistic health to work with plants on a daily basis. Additionally, I have increased my garden by 2/3 – this has given me much motivation and proved to be a very calming endeavor for me… I feel like it is helping me, I feel like I am much less heartsick and I become stronger the more I work out there. It’s something I’m building for myself, by myself, and solely because I want to.  There is no price on this kind of peaceful.

2. Get my craft & textile business off the ground.
   Kind of. I’ve completed a number of items to sell, but just haven’t gotten around to finding places to sell them. This is slow going because my erstwhile free time has gone to gardening and banjo playing with the musical group I’ve fallen in with. I’m not too worried about it, though.

3. Stop talking myself out of doing things I want to do…
   Yeah, mostly. I had a gigantic revelation about this a few months back; decided I would no longer waste my life on insecurity. I still second guess myself sometimes, because I do have heightened levels of anxiety when I am feeling stressed… but, overall, I have decided to follow my intuition. It has not led me astray. I have done several remarkable, yet socially insane, things that I felt like I needed to do. I have no regrets.

4. Make things happen. Follow through with ideas for helping friends/family with their goals. Yes, always.
5. Continue to work on time & money management.
   Check. This is an ongoing process. I’ve realized one great thing: I love to explore, and am willing to “waste money” doing so, because it eases my constant feelings of being trapped. I do not consider travelling to be a waste of money, even if it’s just to travel a few hours from home in any direction.

6. Continue chronicling my thoughts and troubles…
   You bet your buttons. I’ve filled up a journal and a half this year already, am writing to you now, and have actually learned to seek the guidance and ears of other humans when I am feeling overwhelmed.

7. Make it over to Europe…  I’ve been planning a trip for this autumn.
8. Make it up to Canada… Not yet… vague plans to do this within the next month.
9. Find peace in my soul.
   Well, I certainly feel much more peaceful in an everyday context than at any previous time in my life. The ‘peaceful in my soul’ part is still spotty, at best… but I feel calmer by default. This is due, in part, to the kindness of people whose patience with my wild fits of emotion causes me continual astonishment. I really appreciate that to these people are willing to see me through my troubles and assist me in the ways they can.

   I did one massively loco thing that caused me to be topsy-turvy for a while, but which also provided me with clarity and understanding of myself overall. (I still can’t believe I actually DID that particular thing, in real life… I really did do something very socially unacceptable, scary, awkward, weird, confusing, yet necessary.)

   I’m still a wreck sometimes, and I definitely still feel anxious and melancholic often… just not AS often, and not as strongly. I’m able to recognize when I’m sinking and take measures to pull myself back out of that negativity. This is immensely important to me. I still get overwhelmed, but I’ve figured out how to remove myself from the disturbing external stimuli before my emotions get out of hand. I still forget sometimes and end up in deep depression, but only for a few hours or a day now, not the weeks or months as before.

   Somehow, it’s all slowly piecing together. I am finding my way out of the hole of my traditionally inescapable despair. It is freeing and I feel awe that my life has hope now.

So, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve made progress with each of my goals, even if just in small ways. I think that is the one thing I’ve learned this year: small things are just as important as big things. Work small, Reap big. This should be my new motto.

Take it easy, friend.

– Jane