Monday’s Dawn
So, seasonal depression is in full swing. I’m pretty surprised it hasn’t taken me out completely yet, though I still expect it to. I’m using all the coping strategies I’ve learned this past year to keep myself afloat. It seems to be working for the most part – I’ve managed to make it through this past week without crashing too hard.
There are tears, anger, woe, angst and anxiety. Mostly, though, I just feel so tired of everything. The enveloping weariness is the worst part, though, because it amplifies all the other feelings. It gets to the point where I’m so tired of feeling bad that I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
But, I’ve decided I’m not going to take the easy way out. I decided that over a decade ago, really. I’m still here, however begrudgingly. I’m far better off than I was back then, but I don’t think it will ever be easy for me to make it through these times.
I woke up around 4 this morning, irritated that I woke up so early. I felt very tired, because I only had about 5 hours of sleep, but I stayed in bed with my eyes closed until 5 am. I got up to get ready, and made some realizations while doing so.
I’d prefer delusional thinking.
I remembered that when I was young, I used to think “It will get better.” I thought that there was something special waiting for me. I think this is because I figured it couldn’t get any worse… like, maybe I was getting the worst stuff out of the way early, and that it’d be smooth sailing after a certain point. I guess I believed “God” was going to make it all right. I coped by telling myself, “It’s all a part of the plan. This is making me stronger. God knows what’s best for me.” That worked until I reached my breaking point. After I realized there was nobody looking out for me, I just stopped caring about anything. If the universe is indifferent, I’d might as well be indifferent. The things that happened during this period are some of the things that cause me problems today.
Then, I saw an opportunity to make a better life for myself. I thought that was the special thing I’d been waiting for. I took the opportunity, and I went into a new mindset: I was going to make my life better by forming a happy family, no matter what. I thought becoming self-less (literally, to have no self) was the way to find happiness. I powered on in denial and repressed emotion, doing whatever I could to keep that bubble of false happiness afloat. That worked until I reached a breaking point.
In this era of my life, I usually have no idea what is going on. I consistently feel lost. I have no belief things will get better. I don’t really see how things could get better because I don’t know what “better” would be. On the one hand, this is the best version of life I’ve had – I have no external abusers, I don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules, and I have a bit of freedom. On the other hand, I have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t really know how to function as an autonomous person. It doesn’t help that I feel like my brain and body are constantly betraying me; I feel completely out of control. I want to believe there’s a plan, because that would make me feel like there’s a reason all of this is happening. I don’t, though. I just really wish I could believe in something greater.
My thoughts need to change.
I realized this morning that all the thoughts that drag me down start with, “He/She/They”. Essentially, all of my depressed thoughts relate to how I feel about other people’s behavior. That realization irritates me. Here I am, trying to get better, and I’m being dragged down by other people’s BS.
I don’t know how to change that, though. Well, actually, I think I have all the skills to change it, I just don’t know how to apply everything in the correct way. I’m definitely learning, but there are still some missing links in the chain.
I’m tired of being considerate.
I am tired of caring about other people more than they care for me. I am tired of non-reciprocal relationships. I’m tired of giving of myself and receiving nothing in return. I’m tired of wasting time and emotion on indifferent people. I NEED support, and that’s the one thing I’ve never had. Or, not in the right ways or something. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, exactly. I do know I have a large hole in my heart where a “best friend” should be. I’ve never had that spot filled, and I don’t actually think I could ever find a best friend. I feel so alone in everything. I try to reach out, try to be a participant in the world, but it just doesn’t work. Nobody reaches to pull me into the world. I’m stuck in an external orbit. So, that’s why I just tell all of my problems to internet bots and people who stumble into my blog on accident. I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I need to start thinking I matter as a person.
I have absolutely no idea how to make this happen. There are only a few people in the entire world who show love for me. I matter to them, but how do I make that enough for me? How do I make them the only people whose actions or opinions matter? How do I make my opinion matter to myself? I’m pretty confused about this. I see that I need to have self-respect, but I’m not sure if there’s anything respectable about me.
I’m blank.
I feel blank. I exist, but I don’t know who or what I am. I don’t know my purpose. This lack of self means I have no idea how to make a future. So, I can’t. I just try to make it day-to-day, thinking that maybe someday things will fall into place. That doesn’t seem like a good way to live, though, because it feels hopeless.
I do feel hopeless.
I’m just trying to go hour to hour at this point. If I stop and think, I start to feel despair. So, I’m trying not to think about anything real. I’m trying to keep busy and keep myself out of anxiety. Every day is its own day, and I just have to make it through without dragging thoughts from bad days into this empty, unspoiled day.
Driving to work today, I saw the sunrise. It was beautiful to me. It brought me back to reality, made me appreciate that I’m alive today. I’ll make it through today, one way or another. I took a picture of the sunrise. The picture doesn’t do justice, because all the subtleties are missing… But, this was a beautiful sunrise. Maybe that’s how life is – it looks flat and plain after the fact, but it takes all the subtleties to make life beautiful while it’s happening. I’ll see, I guess.
