Hypotheticals
This past week has been great – I’ve felt balanced, calm, and in control. I don’t know why, but I do know it felt good to be okay in my life.
One thing I noticed is that I would wake up at about 4 am with anxiety from whatever I was thinking about during sleep… but then I was able to calm myself down and rationalize myself back into reality. As a result, I had calm days afterward. That’s a huge step for me. It means I won’t have nearly as many upsetting days in my future.
I woke up this morning the same way – 4 am anxiety – but I realized immediately that it wasn’t real. The thing I was worrying about wasn’t a real part of my life. I was capable of recognizing the thoughts weren’t true, and I was able to be kind to myself about it.
The same thoughts are in my head now, but they feel more like curiosity than anxiety. I’m thinking about what I have to offer a potential mate. To be honest, I don’t actually know.
From my perspective, every person is looking for some specific set of qualities in a partner. A lot of people seem to be looking for the same set of physical attributes, attitudes, and lifestyle preferences as everyone else. Realistically, I don’t have any of those socially “valuable” things to offer, though.
What do I have to offer?
1) I am at a point now that I can recognize I am attractive to some men, so I guess that’s one thing. I’m not fancy, though, so I’m definitely not the “arm candy” type of attractive. I’ve been feeling poised and self-assured, so I guess I can offer myself as a woman who knows herself and is direct about important things.
2) I don’t need or want money, so I have no stake or interest in a potential mate’s income status. Not that I’d pay for all dates, because that’s just not fair either way, but I don’t mind halving everything or paying my way.
3) I don’t need or want gifts. So, the potential mate is off the hook for random gift-giving.
4) I am loyal. If I find someone to love, I’m going to love him deeply. From experience, this means that everyone else just looks uninteresting in comparison, which means I’ll never cheat.
5) I am adaptable. I’m open to having new experiences, learning new things, experimenting in life. I don’t have any preset ideals or fantasies about how a relationship “should” work. Honestly, I’d prefer to make it up as it went along – find something to fit us as a couple of co-existing humans with separate needs and goals.
6) I am not clingy. I don’t like talking on the phone or texting, so the potential mate doesn’t have to worry about me keeping tabs or whatever. It would be nice to be in touch on a daily basis, but it doesn’t have to be more than a few minutes of contact.
7) I can offer encouragement and support for my mate in his life, interests, and goals.
8) I am not jealous or selfish, so my mate wouldn’t have to give up his friendships (even those with women).
9) I don’t need or want constant attention or over the top displays of affection.
10) I am understanding and kind.
11) I can see both sides of any issue, so that makes arguments pretty easy to solve. Not that I’ll just give up anytime an argument comes up, but I’ll at least be able to hear and think about the other side of the argument.
12) I like to hug and touch and cuddle. I can offer physical comfort and massages.
13) I like to listen, and would take the time to listen to his thoughts and feelings without judgment.
14) I can offer friendship and laughter. I have a lot of stereotypically “male” interests, so he and I would be able to share some interests and have fun doing so.
15) I can offer someone to experience life with.
16) I don’t play mind games or work through manipulation; passive aggressiveness is pointless to me. Again, I’ll just directly point out when something is annoying me. No guessing or groveling required.
17) I can offer acceptance, warmth, and care.
That’s all I can think of.
The insecurities (though, they aren’t too upsetting at all, just present) I have today are all related to the fact that I already have children. I feel like that automatically lowers my “potential mate” score. As if I’m not worth consideration since I already have kids.
Honestly, I can’t see why that would matter to anyone. How could my parental status affect how much I’d care for the man? How would it affect anything at all? Why would I want someone who is so fickle that he can’t accept me as a woman who loves him just because I have children? Anyone who would pass on a great relationship based on that is, realistically, not the open-minded and caring type of man I’d want anyway. That prejudice is a ridiculous one.
I do see that some men would want to raise only their own kids, if any. BUT, I don’t want or need a man to raise my kids. They already have a dad – they don’t need a second dad. “Dad for my kids” isn’t on my list of potential mate qualities. Sure, I would love for my mate to love my kids… but it’s not necessary for him to be dad of the year.
Otherwise, I don’t see how it matters. I’d be fine never having more kids. I guess if he wanted children, I would consider it. I mean, sure, I’m not particularly keen on having a ton of kids as a single mom. BUT, if I felt like the guy would be a reliable dad (even if we eventually split), I think it would be okay. Because those kids would be born of love, and that would be fine to me. I enjoy kids, I just don’t like be judged as “less than” because I happen to have lived life as an adult before I met the guy. I succeeded in the game of natural selection. Deal with it.
I don’t know, though. I guess this is all just hypothetical anyway. None of these ideas or thoughts matter at all in the long run. Either I’ll find someone who can look at me with acceptance, or I won’t.
One thing that worries me is that I’ll find someone who thinks I’m special, but then I won’t be able to return the feeling. I really don’t like that idea at all. What if I can’t fall in love with someone who is perfect for me? That concerns me a lot, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I’ve already learned the hard way that I can’t force myself to fall in love. I’ve already learned that it’s a mistake to stay in a relationship I don’t feel committed to. I’ve already learned I need to trust my intuition before good intentions. I’ve already learned that good intentions and “for the best” decisions just make a painful mess for everyone.
Again, though, all of this is just imaginary. It’s not real. There’s no reason to think or worry about it, because it’s not actually a part of my life. In real life, I have no prospects at all so these thoughts are just a waste of my time.
I don’t know. I guess it’s good I typed it out anyway.
Talk to you later.