False Self Fights Back
My thoughts today are hectic and full of pervasive anxiety. I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn myself into someone else. I wish I could be something, anything, else. I guess I’m acutely feeling all the things that are “wrong” with me – people keep pointing out the things they don’t like about me which (by no coincidence) are the exact things I used to hide so I’d fit in.
There really is such a thing as True Self and False Self. It’s just that nobody else seems to want to admit this. Or, maybe, it’s only acceptable to be False Self in public. Ha, not maybe. It freaking is only acceptable to be False Self around other people. That’s where I’m “wrong” – I want to be my True Self at all times, even though I also know it’s unacceptable.
I keep trying to tell myself that I have every right to be who I am, even if certain people don’t like it. It’s not working at all. I still wish I could just have a simple life of carefree thoughtlessness. I’d really love to never think about anything. I’d love to be inconsiderate and insincere. I’d love to have no depth or insight, and I’d love to happily treat other people like commodities.
I feel hate toward myself for not being a brainless bimbo. Hate. I feel hate at myself because I am not and refuse to be the exact opposite of me. Everything is wrong with that truth.
I keep questioning why I refuse to go back into the mindset that falsity is the best policy. I see this is probably how it will end up anyway. I’m sure I’ll eventually just say, “fuck it” and drop all sense of self and become a shell so that I don’t have to feel like I’m struggling anymore. I see that being who I am is pointless, and I see that I’m just prolonging my internal conflicts by trying to stay true to my emotions and intuition.
Basically, I lose and have already lost.
That makes me angry. Very, very angry.
So, I’m not going to give up today, even though it feels like I should.
I guess it’s good I’m a poor sport, in this instance, because that’s pretty much the only thing that keeps me from embracing death-of-self. It’s freaking ridiculous that my Ego death would result in rebirth as a shallow, materialistic automaton. That thought makes me feel queasy.
Bah, I feel so tired of trying to feel good about myself. Why does it take so much work to feel good about myself? I kind of suspect I should just become a functional addict – my thoughts and emotions would be dull and focused on the present, and I could just go through the motions of being a real person while secretly thinking only of my next fix.
I feel like my only choice is escapism. I feel like the only way I’ll successfully turn off my anxiety and depression is to either leave Society entirely, or intentionally leave True Self. I don’t know why it always feels like my only choices are at the extremes. Well, I do know – it’s the black/white thinking that comes with having a freak-of-nature brain.
Meh. I’ll make it through these thoughts. I recognize they are a product of my hormones and brain functioning. I recognize it feels bad because I have no control over it. I recognize I’m seeing everything through the lens of unhappiness, and I recognize that there’s still a chance for things to change for the better.
It’s not easy for me to remember that things aren’t always as they seem, but I definitely want to remember that. I want to feel whole and I want to love life, no matter how other people react to me. That’s what I need to find, and that’s the only way I need to change. It does feel hopeless, and I realize it probably is. I’m going to try anyway, because I can see that there’s a small chance of success.
Bon chance, self.