Reflecting Upon Attraction
I get pretty tired of always thinking about men and relationships. It’s annoying, seriously. I guess, really, it’s me always trying to figure out how the heck to find a good relationship. I know the logistics of it: start dating random men, find a compatible one, start a relationship.
It seems simple to me, in theory, until I consider that I’ve only actually been attracted to three people in my entire life. I find it strange to talk to people who reminisce about the 10+ people they’ve “crushed on” in the past year alone, while I’m just sitting there trying to figure out how that’s even possible. Now that I think about it, there was a fourth person I felt attraction for, relatively recently.
So, I’ve been interested in four people total over the course of twenty-five years (I started noticing males around age five). I guess that’s something at least. They all looked different from one another, had different backgrounds, were different types of people. I think the only common threads were that they were all male and they all made me laugh.
Let me run through the list to see if I can figure out why I felt attraction to these specific people:
#1) 12 years old – He sat near me in our classes. We played chess sometimes. At some point, he started draping his arm over my shoulders while we stood outside. I think he called me on the phone once. I liked him a lot and hoped maybe he would kiss me. One day, his friend came up to me and said, “You guys are going out right?” and I said, “How come I don’t know about this?” And that was the end of it. He just stopped talking to me completely, as if I’d spurned him… when really I was (and still am) just a clueless person who doesn’t like to assume people have feelings for me. I liked him until I graduated from eighth grade, watching sadly from the wings as he found real girlfriends.
#2) Ages 14/15 – He, too, was in most of my classes and sat near me in all of them. I thought he was really freaking handsome. He had nice hands. We talked about random stuff. I didn’t even consider he’d ever like me until I was sitting with another guy and we were passing notes and giggling a lot. The guy I liked got jealous and came over and said, “What’s going on? What are you talking about?” and was trying to look at the notes. After that, we started talking a different way. These were the early days of online messaging, so we started talking via ICQ. I couldn’t tell if he liked me, so I had a mutual friend ask him about me to see what he thought. As it turned it, he liked me but had already decided he’d never date me because he was worried about what people think of him dating “a black girl”. I felt upset because a) I’d already explained my perspective on “race” and he apparently just had no ability to see things a different way and b) the only important thing about me, in his eyes, was something he considered to be a negative thing. I lost all attraction immediately and stopped talking to him in anything but the most courteous of ways.
#3) Ages 15-17 – He didn’t go to my school, we met on ICQ and talked often. I somehow started to like him romantically before I’d ever actually met him IRL. One day, I suggested meeting after school. It was good to actually see him in person, and we had a fun time. As I was leaving, he kissed me. I was very surprised, because up to that point I hadn’t considered he could have liked me. We continued to talk online and we would meet up randomly after school to talk and make out. I loved him deeply, but never felt secure in his feelings for me. He’d stop talking to me for weeks at a time, and each time I thought that was the end of it. I always felt like he was just waiting for someone better to take an interest in him, and I was always ready to step back so that he could have someone better. One day, he stopped talking to me altogether. I didn’t feel surprised, I just figured he’d found that better person. I moved on and moved away.
(Ages 18-28 I was married to a man I wasn’t attracted to. I loved him as a friend, yes, but not in a romantic way. I settled for that, because I thought I could make it work. I married him because he was very adamant that he loved me, and I liked that I didn’t feel insecure about his intent and feelings. I wanted to make him happy. I thought that if he could love me, I should make every effort to love him. I thought I’d eventually fall in love with him. I tried, but I didn’t realize one cannot make love happen. The marriage failed because I admitted to myself that I had lied about loving him, and couldn’t lie anymore. I never cheated on him or even flirted with anyone else, though I did come to realize I did not feel committed to him in any way.)
#4) Age 30 – I didn’t feel romantic feelings, but I was attracted to him as a person. We talked often via video chat and collaborated on music. He cut me out of his life without a word after a few months. I’m not really sure what I did wrong, just that he got tired of me. I didn’t even realize I felt attraction for him until I started writing this post. I suppose it’s possible I might have ended up falling for him eventually, in time. I guess that gives me hope – maybe it’s possible for me to fall in love with the right person.
Looking at these four males, I can see that the reason I felt attraction to them is that we spent time talking together. Of course, there must be some other component to it because I spend time talking with lots of people for whom I never feel attraction. I think there is some physical or pheremonal aspect that allows me to form an emotional bond; I must also already see them as physically attractive, maybe?
I’m not sure. People all look kind of the same to me. Men and women are equally unattractive to me. I learned recently this is actually a known condition called demisexuality. I can see when people have symmetrical features, and I understand they are “gorgeous” but it doesn’t mean anything to me on a personal level. I’ve never been attracted to a female. I guess it’s possible for that to happen, but unlikely if it hasn’t happened by now. So, that significantly reduces the size of my “potential mate” pool. None of the males I’ve liked were “movie-star handsome”. They just looked pleasing to me, and I wanted to be close to them or talk to them often. I generally do not even think to talk to people on a regular basis – that’s the exception: I am eager to talk to these people.
So, that’s that. As it stands, only one person I know in real life looks interesting to me. I don’t expect anything good to happen there because I’m pretty sure he’s afraid of (wanting? loving? being loved by? caring for? losing? being tied down by? disappointing? wasting time on?) me. I talk to men all the time, hoping to find a spark somewhere… but it just doesn’t happen. I’ve tried online dating, only to realize that doing that is really just me reaching out and asking, “Who wants to be the next man I settle for?” I don’t think that’s fair; that does not appeal to me.
Meh. I really just wish I could stop thinking about men and relationships.