2018, In Closing
2018 was a year that brought joy and pain, confusion and insight. I spent the first half of the year dealing with an unpleasant set of circumstances that culminated in a drawn-out court case. This has been an ongoing issue since 2016, but this year was more soul-sucking, I guess. I took a full-time position with a consulting firm, which made my life a lot busier. Looking back, I feel like missed part of the year – as if there are gaps in my memory. I don’t think there are because I do remember each month, but there is just something missing. No zest, no pep in my step, just the same things day in and day out.
Yet, here I am, at the end of the year, again, looking back to figure out what I accomplished. Reading through last year’s to-do list, I see that I most definitely did not do many of the things I wanted to do. In fact, I felt like I regressed in many ways, becoming less lively, less interested in hope, less social, and less confident in my future. There were so many things I wanted to do, but I just couldn’t manage to do them.
I do not feel more organized, and my house is somehow less organized than it’s ever been. I did not get out-of-town and likely cannot for years to come. I gave up on trying to build my businesses as a full-time venture because I couldn’t find steady freelance gigs. I didn’t finish all 30 of my Swedish lessons – at some point in the year, I just stopped practicing. I didn’t take good care of my gardens, and I didn’t have much of a harvest. I didn’t follow-up with everything in my little blue notebook. The theme for 2018, as it turns out, was, “give up on your dreams because it doesn’t matter anyway.” I feel like I didn’t manage to get much done.
The weird thing is, things are improving. Yeah, okay, so they’re improving in the last 10 days of the year because one major stressor (related to the court case) was eliminated. What was going on the other 355 days of the year, besides constant fatigue from stress?
I spent most of my time with people I love. I learned silversmithing and have regularly produced fine silver jewelry since May. I was able to get some of my huge debts paid off. I sold my jewelry at a local bazaar. I found a company to work for that helps people and fights for issues close to my heart. I traveled a decent amount. I cut down my exposure to many of the things that caused overwhelming stress. Those are important to recognize.
I sat down with a notebook and wrote down everything I need to get done. There are six areas of my life that need work: finances, business, interpersonal interactions, gardening, silversmithing, and (as always) personal. I quickly became discouraged by the endless list of things that need improvement, and again fell into, “what’s the point?” thinking. The thing is, I don’t want to think that way. I hate thinking that way, I hate the idea that I shouldn’t have any hopes or dreams, and I hate feeling like there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel.
To Do List, 2019
– Finances: I need to do some kind of debt consolidation so that I have fewer bills to pay. I currently have too many different companies to pay money to, and I frequently forget to pay on time, run out of money before I can pay the last two bills, or just avoid looking at my accounts altogether because they cause me such a feeling of distress and dejection. If I can get most of those bills in one place, I will feel like I have more control of the situation. I need to establish an emergency fund, and I need to build up my savings.
– Business: Automate invoicing, make it a habit to follow up on invoices, actually pay attention to when invoices are coming due, take an active role in managing my client list instead of just letting clients go months without hearing from me. I’ve had the same problem with avoidance here, because this is also part of the finances issue.
– Interpersonal: Learn to be present when I’m in the room with people. Make the effort to interact with people. Answer messages when I can. I don’t know, I get stressed out by people’s text messages, so then I avoid even looking at my phone because I immediately feel anxious. This is not helpful.
– Gardening: Actually plant and maintain a garden this year, pay attention to my plants, take the time to work outside on a weekly basis, and take the time to ensure there will be a harvest. I’ve been so unhappy in my house (for many reasons), that I didn’t even want to be on my property most of the time, and I didn’t want to spend any time outside.
– Silversmithing: I want to continue with my studies, learn new techniques and styles, and become better versed in gemstones and lapidary work. I want to build an online shop for myself that I can update with minimal effort so that I can take custom orders. I also want to work on social media presence, so I’m not just randomly posting bad photos of whatever’s on my workbench.
– Personal: Everything? I constantly feel overwhelmed and unhappy. I have a hard time seeing anything positive in my situation. I have no hope. I don’t look forward to anything because I just expect every idea and venture to fail miserably. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get out of this hole that’s left from the major shit that went down in 2016 and 2017. I want to feel like my life has a meaning, and that I have a purpose other than paying off endless debt. I have stopped studying a language, and I have stopped making music. I feel like my creativity is stunted because my emotions are so… flat. I need to recover my ability to study languages, rejuvenate my excitement for writing music.
I haven’t been particularly talkative this year in general, but I did confide in someone about this, admitted that I feel disillusioned and disinterested in everything. He pointed out that there are other ways to feel like I am accomplishing things. He reminded me that I do actually achieve my goals, even if it takes me years to do it.
He reminded me that I spent this year improving my skills in various areas and that I have been under such a heavy load of stress that I haven’t had the time or the energy to really focus on myself. That is very true because I feel like I’ve forgotten every mindfulness lesson I ever learned. It’s frustrating, and I have had to come to terms with the reality that I just have to give up on feeling peaceful. There it is again, the giving up.
I tried to figure out what “happy” would look like for me. I can’t actually imagine it. Sure, there are a bunch of vague things that would remove a lot of stress from my life, but would I actually be happy if it was peaceful? I can’t answer that.
I’m just tired in general, and I want so badly to feel like I know what I’m doing. I don’t want to live in survival mode anymore, I want to be capable of imagining a good future for myself. This is my goal for 2019: find a way to feel hope again.
2018, over and out.