Thankful Thursday – 13113
I like patterns. 13113 is a good pattern, because it can go on as long as I want to. Maybe I should just sit and stare at a wall and repeat this pattern until I relax.
Today I am feeling excessively high-strung and either neurotic, upset, sad, or confused. I can’t tell which of these emotions it is – maybe it’s all of them.
Arrrrgh. So, it’s going to take me some mental digging to list the things I’m thankful for because the weird feeling I have over my heart is truly agitating me.
– Feeling confused about my life and purpose (for the 99,000th time). Thankful to be alive, though.
– Feeling angry about sad thoughts I have, why do I have to be so sad? Why can’t I just be happy-go-lucky and carefree like other people who don’t have the weight of the world (or, at least, their responsibilities) on their shoulders? Thankful to have emotion, even though I can’t always process it properly.
– Feeling envy for people who don’t have to deal with deep emotional pain. Sometimes I wish I were very shallow or just didn’t think as much as I do. Thankful I can think, even though it causes me enormous pain at times.
– Feeling frustration about a lot of personal issues. Frustrated because taking my life one day at a time doesn’t really solve the issues, just prolongs them. Thankful I get another day, though.
– Feeling encumbered because there are so many things I want to do in my life and with my time, but I have to stick to a schedule and have a day job. Thankful that I at least enjoy the job I have. Also thankful I have a job with which to fund the things I do have time to do.
– Feeling hate for schedules, because I like to saunter through life… not be always looking at a calendar to tell me where I’m “supposed” to be. Thankful that this will not always be the case.
– Just now realized that I am in one of my “need to escape” moods. Thankful that I realized this. Just understanding that this is what is affecting my thoughts calms me down to some degree.
– Feeling overwhelmed with the demands I make of myself and the demands other people make of me and the idea that I will never be the author of my life. Thankful that I just realized that the previous sentence is a lie, because I’m already the author of my life – it’s just going to take me awhile to reconcile all the messes I made while I let other people author my life. I am going to have a consistently good life, and that’s a fact.
– Feeling overwhelmed by other people’s behaviors and emotional states. I wish I knew how to get everyone to chill out and not be so uptight about silly things. Thankful I’m not as uptight as I could be. Also thankful I can now realize when I’m doing pointless obsessing.
– Feeling confused about why people selectively follow their”morals”. Feeling frustrated that I meet so many people who don’t see a problem with their hypocrisy. Feeling sad that I don’t like to be around people. Feeling weird that I am a human who doesn’t like humans all that much and am, thus, a hypocrite. Feeling happy about how much I like plants and thankful that I’m going to go take a walk to talk to and hug some trees. Thankful there are trees to hug.
– Feeling happy to think about starting a garden in a few weeks, thankful I have an established garden already.
– Feeling happy and smiling about certain people who I feel happy and smile about every time I think about them. Thankful (extremely thankful) that these people exist, even when I can’t show/tell them how much they mean to me.
– Feeling excited about a trip I’m planning to take soon. It’s going to be wonderful. Thankful I have the means to take fun trips.
– Feeling like I can breathe easily because I got all of this out my head and am feeling much calmer than I was when I started this post.
Phew.
Thanks for taking the time to read my expulsion of emotion, friend, you’re a lifesaver.