A Letter to You
Dear family, friends, and acquaintances –
I am writing this as a blanket answer to that question you have always had, “Why is Jane so strange?”
I believe I finally have an answer for you: the Autism Spectrum.
I have always suspected that my brain is wired differently or “wrong”, and the reactions I receive from other people have only served to reinforce this idea. As a result, I learned to hide myself and pretend to be “normal enough” to get by without attracting too much [of your] negative attention.
It has only been in the past ten years, since I removed myself from that false identity I had upheld for nearly the first two decades of my life, that I have learned how to be who I really am and found the courage to live as Me and not as that false me you have always expected of me.
I have lived a secret life, one filled with shame and fear and insecurity and sadness. I have survived by lying to the world, disguising intense emotional pain with smiles and laughter.
I have never fit in with you and you have always had a hard time relating to me.
You have complained that I don’t talk enough, that I don’t care about your well-being, that I am conceited or narcissistic, that I am rude, that I think I am “better than you”.
The truth is, I am just different than you.
When I speak, it is not to hurt you. I am speaking out of love, even if it comes out awkwardly or brashly or at an inopportune time. I talk when I have something to say, when there is something I need to say because I think you need to hear it.
I do not believe I am “Better Than You”. The fact is, I have believed I am completely worthless for most of my life. This is because I have always felt exceptionally Alone and very painfully separate from everyone around me. I always presented a quiet, studious, subservient, yet smiling demeanor because this is how I have survived.
The truth is, I care about everyone and I try to help everyone in the ways I can help them. I do not speak very much by default. I realize this makes you uncomfortable and I realize that despite your efforts, you have never been able to “get me”.
But, I was always watching and listening and thinking and feeling.
If you have known me since my childhood, you remember my solitude and solemnity and “little adult” behavior. You remember my curiosity and penchant for pointing out your potential mistakes. You may also remember my knack for remembering odd details and repeating things you’ve said in an echo of your own voice. You may remember me standing very close to trees, may have observed me making animal calls to animals when I thought you weren’t paying attention, touching or holding “odd” animals like dragonflies or toads or beetles, or not being afraid of spiders or rattlesnakes or potentially vicious dogs. You may also remember me going entire days speaking in one of many foreign accents I acquired or practicing singing like a bird or opera singer on some odd Saturday. You may remember my apparent “lack of empathy” because I responded to you with logic or foresight instead of sympathy when I saw you suffering. You most likely remember me sitting quietly, smiling at you and listening to the conversation but not speaking. You most definitely remember me sitting in a corner or in a car reading, apparently separate from the world.
I acknowledge that I am strange.
But, I finally realize that there is a reason for this other than that I am just naturally a weirdo. (Though, I probably am just naturally inclined to be a weirdo. 😉 )
For the past 7 years or so, I have suspected that I have either Asperger Syndrome or some form of High Functioning Autism. After extensive research, counseling, and much introspection, I have come to terms with the reality that there is literally something different about my brain.
Though I do not yet have an official diagnosis to show you, I can tell you that from my personal feelings (which you likely know nothing about), I most closely fit within the definition for “Asperger Syndrome”.
So, now you know.
Of course, this does not change the hurt you have felt, the words you have wanted to say to me but did not, the looks you have given me, or the things you have said to me in anger. This does not change that I am and will most likely always appear distant.
Just know, though, that I am here and I DO care. I just don’t always know how to show it. When I speak to you, it is out of love and concern and I am trying to help you to understand that there is another way to view the situation.
I write about my true feelings sometimes on a blog, you can read it if you would like to understand more about how my brain works and how I feel about life in general: blog.janetanfei.com
I have recently been pointed to a blog that discusses much about the female presentations of Asperger’s and HFA, it would benefit the world greatly if you would take the time to read at least one of the articles: http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/asperger-syndrome-in-girls-and-women-keeping-up-appearances-and-missed-diagnosis/
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really do not speak unless I have something to say, so if you feel compelled to speak to me about something, please do so that I may respond.
Truth and Love,
– Jane
P.S. – Here is a list of many of the behaviors exhibited by females with Asperger’s Syndrome. I experience all of these thoughts and behaviors in one form or another.
A table of traits exhibited by female Aspies; diagnostic tool.