On Shame…
I’ve thought a lot about shame, and the things that we do to avoid exposing our shame to the world.
We lie, we trick, we cheat, we hurt others, we hate, we steal, we murder, we suicide to hide our shame. As if these bad things we do to hide our shame can ever overshadow that true shame.
Why are we so shameful?
Why is anything we do, or anything that has been done to us shameful?
We are all humans. We are all in pain. We have all made mistakes. We have all been hurt. We have all been ashamed.
But, why? Who told us that we were supposed to feel shame for being who we are? Who made it a necessity for us to hide our true nature or our true experiences?
Why do we follow these unspoken rules?
Why are we all pretending? Why are we allowing this? Why do we make it so difficult for other people to speak out about the shame they feel, to speak out about the pain they feel, to tell us about their darkness?
Who are we to judge?
Who are we to shame other people into silence?
Why do we let ourselves be shamed into silence?
I know that I, myself, still have things I feel ashamed of – things I can’t tell anyone. There are actions I need or want to take that I cannot bring myself to take because I know that other people will judge me harshly, look at me in disgust, tell me how awful I am to do the things I feel in my heart I need to do.
I am ashamed.
And after all this time spent in self-discovery and having finally learned to love myself as I am… I am ashamed of who I am.
I am ashamed that I have made mistakes, that I have had bad experiences, I am ashamed that I have lied and cheated and stolen and hurt others, that I’ve made decisions that have and do hurt others, I am ashamed that I can’t be “normal”. I am ashamed that I can’t just “let things be”. I’m ashamed that my heart tells me something completely different from what my head tells me.
I’m ashamed because I know other people will be ashamed of me.
Why?
Where did that come from?
When did I become only as good as what other people think of me?
Forget that.
That shame I have held so long, it is false shame. It comes from other people. It comes from religion forced on me from birth. It comes from hypocrites – the harsh words and sneering mouths and glaring eyes of other people. It does not come FROM me, it was given TO me.
I don’t want it anymore. I am not going to accept shame anymore.
Keep that shame you want to give me, shame is no longer a form of currency to gain my affection or loyalty or attention. You and I are no longer co-conspirators in the shame game.
My mind tells me I am shameful for writing this, but my heart tells me I am right. I should have done this a long time ago.
I am me.
I need to be me, and I should not be ashamed of being me.
I am me, I need to be free.
Shame: your days are numbered.