The Stink-Eye…
One thing I have always been ashamed of is my appearance.
I happen to have medium brown skin, dark curly hair, and brown eyes. I’ve been called “dog ugly” as many times as I’ve been called “beautiful”, so I doubt I’m either – probably just a plain Jane. It doesn’t really matter either way.
What does matter, though, is that my looks cause great anger and hate in other people.
I call this affect “the stink-eye”.
Essentially, I walk into a place and immediately sense someone staring at me. I covertly glance at the starer and see a look of disgust on his/her face and hate in his/her eyes. I assume a blank mask, close off my emotions, and proceed with my business.
These people, though, have a hard time letting my presence go unannounced. In my current environment, the Pacific Northwest US, they (usually in a group of 4-6 loud people) make sure to throw words like “nigger”, “KKK”, “lynch” and “curb stomp” around so I will hear them, and at least one of them will always say, “look at her, thinks she’s better than us”.
I know they are trying to elicit an anger or fear response from me, but I learned very young that responding in any way just fuels their fire. If I smile at them, they rage. If I raise an eyebrow at them, they become louder. If I look at them, they put on cruel smiles (practically rubbing their hands in glee that I’ve heard them). If I were to address these people for their rudeness, I’d likely be attacked verbally and threatened with physical harm.
Generally, though, I just feel sad for them and sad for me.
The sadness comes from the realization that no matter who I am or how kind I am to other people, it will always be overshadowed by my appearance.
It has never mattered where I’ve lived, these people are everywhere I’ve ever gone. The fact is, these people are everywhere in the world. These people are people who fear the world outside of their own limited experience.
I feel sad for them. I feel sad for me.
I have been on the receiving end of this type of behavior from people of all different backgrounds and skin tones and religions. The insults have varied in wording, but the essence is the same, “She’s garbage, she doesn’t belong here”. There is something about me that just causes that hate others have to bubble to the surface.
When I was young, I allowed myself to feel hurt and anger and to try to “get back at them” by doing my best despite their words or making a point of laughing at their words. I admit that I formed some of my own prejudices, because I felt like the only way I could protect myself from other people was to expect the worst of them in any case. So, I did. I DO. I have been breaking these prejudices down ever since I realized I had them, but they are still there – I still automatically size up people to decide if they are a threat or not. I still enter into all conversations in a jaded and cautious manner, expecting the worst of everyone but pretending that all is well.
I’ve wondered, in the past, if there is a reason for this. When I was young, I just assumed I deserved that innately negative response because I truly believed that if so many people had the same opinion, there must be some truth to it.
I believed the same thing – I was a piece of garbage, I’d never belong.
And, I do not belong.
But, I’m not a piece of garbage. I see that now.
I have come to realize that the reason for this universal exclusion is very, very simple: humans are humans.
We’re all the same.
And, that is my place. A human excluded from humans who can see why she is excluded and is sad but understands it because she is also a human. Thus, I belong to humanity – just not any particular sect within.
I don’t feel anger at the exclusion, just sadness. After all, there are some people who accept me. For these people I cannot express enough gratitude at their patience and caring and kindness. Still, though, most people only accept me in a superficial manner – they pretend to be friendly but are really just cataloging all the things I do “wrong” so that they can blow up at me in some future episode of anger wherein they express their hate for me and rattle through all the things they hate about me.
This has happened so many times in my life that I just expect it from people. And, so I have protected myself. I don’t allow myself to become emotionally invested in “friendship” or “familial relations” because I have rarely been on the receiving end of a true friendship, regardless of one’s blood relation to me. There are always ulterior motives, conditions to the relationship, and there is always a sense of “enjoy it while it lasts”.
And, that’s how it goes for me.
I am sad for me, I am sad for them.
In truth, I like learning about people. I do not have inherent hate for others. I am curious and I am friendly, and everyone is the same to me. I think I love everyone, even as I expect them to hate me. I think I love everyone, even as I believe they will hate me.
Granted, this doesn’t make much sense to the normal mind… But, I just don’t feel right “hating” people. It’s false. It’s a defense mechanism.
So, while I can’t prevent people from giving me “the stink-eye”, and I can’t truly prevent myself from feeling hurt by it, I do understand it and I do see its purpose.
It still stinks, though.