Making Sense from Nonsense…
I have a real knack for unintentionally pissing people off.
In the past few days, I’ve been called “rude”, “a piece of shit”, “fucked up” and “obnoxious” simply because I had the audacity to speak up about a fellow human’s well-being.
My intent was to make sure someone was being properly cared for, based on a few signs that this person is on the brink of suicide. Apparently, though, showing concern for a stranger is unforgivable. It’s interesting that so many people assume the absolute worst possible intent from a few simple words of concern.
Granted, this is nothing new – people misunderstand my intent all the time. The truth is, I feel like I’m being caring and showing my concern, but most people choose to believe that I am trying to be intentionally hurtful. I get it, most people are not used to discussing difficult subjects without preamble and apology and political correctness and simpering and falsity. But, how will anybody ever realize there is a problem if the problem is never properly addressed?
I learned long ago not to get upset when people misunderstand my intent, because it really does happen all the time. It is only after I am able to explain my meaning that people simmer down. Even then, most people continue to be suspicious and to assume the worst – that I am lying or have some ulterior motive for speaking.
I think the most frustrating part is that hate is so close to the surface for so many people. I don’t understand how it’s perfectly OK for them to speak to me in the most vile terms they can think of, yet it is not OK for me to speak to them in a polite and frank way?
It makes absolutely no sense.
Being defensive about one’s own insecurity or sensitivity is one thing; I understand how that would anger one to have another person speak about something you want to hide. It is a whole different story, though, when people rage about assumptions they’ve created from words not even directed toward them.
Most of the time, I pretty much just roll my eyes at the ridiculous words that come from these people who feel entitled to curse and scream and threaten other humans. But, sometimes, I stop to wonder – what is this all about? Where is this anger coming from, and why is it so prevalent in our society?
When did it become acceptable to hate everyone outside of your own sphere AND act upon this hate at any perceived provocation?
It seems like such bizarre behavior to me. Aside from being comically hypocritical (I can’t even understand how anyone can be serious while doing the exact things they are yelling about), it is also usually a vast overreaction in relation to the “offense”. Yet, the yelling people will get much support and encouragement in their hateful tirades – people join in to “kick the dog when it’s down” at every opportunity.
I guess I should not be surprised. I do, after all, expect the worst from humans. I always expect the worst because it keeps me from feeling hurt when the worst happens. The way I see it, if I’m already bracing myself for the worst, anything less is a relief. That’s not a very reassuring or good view of humanity, but what else can I do? People love to hate me, and I can’t see this changing any time soon.
It’s not that I expect people to be kind or understanding or non-judgmental. On the contrary, we are raised to be very judgmental and overtly defensive. But, I still become surprised by the lengths people go to in their judgments and reactions.
I guess I still do have some small hope for humanity, because I know there are good and kind and understanding people in the world… I just don’t seem to come across them very often. I just wish, sometimes, that there were more people who dared to speak up in a positive way – to show their goodness and kindness and caring to others. I feel like the world would change much if hate was met with love and not hate, if kindness was met with understanding and not anger.
I guess, ultimately, I am the only one who can do these things. I can be kind to people, I can show them understanding and compassion, I can care for them. There’s nothing I can do, though, to make them see that I have no ulterior motives or that I am not judging them.
Now that I think about it, that judgment they believe is being placed on them is really coming from within themselves. They are projecting that judgment on other people because it is their way of protecting themselves from it. They assume the worst judgment because anything less is a relief.
I and They are not so different after all.
And, now I understand… It is not Nonsense, it is our Nature. We are inherently defensive because we must be so to protect ourselves. We who have been hurt expect only to be hurt. We who have been hated expect only to be hated. We who are broken expect only rocks to be thrown at us. If we can do it to other people before they can to do it to us, we will escape hurt and pain and humiliation at least that once.
So, how do I learn to show people I have no ulterior motives? How can I approach people without them becoming afraid of my thoughts and on the defensive before I even open my mouth? How can I show them that I feel love and concern for them, even as I am speaking to them about the pain and secrets they have not actually spoken about?
I know I make people uncomfortable because I speak to their hearts. I know I make people angry because I don’t pretend their pain doesn’t exist. I know I make people afraid because they feel helpless.
But, how to I stop being so scary?
I mean, I know a lot of people are taught to be scared. I have the power to make people lock their car doors just because I’m walking by. I have the power to make women clutch their purses tight or yell at their husbands for not “watching their purse” as I pass in a store. I have the power to make grown men walk as fast as possible to get away from me in parking lots. I have the power to make strangers give me looks of disgust when smile at them. I have the power to intimidate people just by frowning when it’s too sunny outside. Apparently, I’m very scary when I frown.
Realistically, I have no power other than that I am unafraid in a world of fear.
How do I soothe people’s fears before they are overcome by them?