The Turtle Withdraws…
I am shutting down.
I can feel it. I feel so disconnected.
I feel my heart hardening again, becoming that jaded and cynical observer who exists but does not live. I don’t want to go back to that, but I am slipping back there.
I am becoming stagnant because there is nothing else to do.
I think, really, it is that I am stuck – where has all of my “internal growth” got me? Nowhere. I’m in the same situation with the same problems and the same people and the same existence. The only difference is that my internal dialogue is not as negative toward myself.
I guess that’s something. Maybe. Not really. I still think all of the bad things about what a useless and awful person I am, I just don’t believe it as deeply as I used to. Sometimes I even think I might be a good person. Maybe.
I feel like everything is fake, like all relationships I have in the world (aside from my children) are fake. I am slipping back into my catatonic state, the shell I become when I withdraw from my existence – the automaton that goes through the motions of life just so that everyone else can “be happy”.
I don’t think that makes other people truly happy, I think they just get their way so they don’t complain as much.
Lately, it is more apparent than ever that my feelings are invalid in the scheme of things. It hurts. It is painful to realize that all of this pain I feel “isn’t right”, that it is unacceptable and irrelevant because it makes me unacceptable and irrelevant.
People are so needy. They want me to listen to their problems and give them good answers as long as they want to hear the good answers. As soon as I give them good answers (truths) they don’t want to hear, BAM, they’re gone. They’re invisible. They suddenly “can figure it out for themselves” and all that. Why do I bother listening when I know that it’s pointless on my part? I don’t know.
Why do I care about people who only care about themselves? Really, what is the point? This is how I came to be closed off in the first place, back when I was a small child. I realized, even then, the futility of caring about other people because reciprocation could never be expected. I learned not to chase people who are avoiding me, because they just come back with insults and hateful words because I’m “so insensitive”.
And, I really must be “just that annoying”, because basically all relationships that have ended in my lifetime have ended with the other person just avoiding or ignoring me until I stopped attempting to reach out. This is how I came to understand that there has never been reciprocity to any of the relationships I’ve had – nobody has ever come to me after an argument or misunderstanding; they just turn their backs and disappear. It’s just that easy for people, I guess. It has always been me chasing them until I let them go from my heart.
Why does it feel like everyone around me has ulterior motives? Really, it seems like people only talk to me when they want to talk about themselves… And, that’s a very accurate viewpoint, to be honest.
On the other hand, I don’t want to talk to anybody because I don’t trust anybody to actually listen. When I talk, people nod and say they understand, they give answers as if they are actually listening, but they’re really just “doing their duty” so they don’t seem as needy. If I come back to them with a continuation of my words, they’ve forgotten what I’d initially talked about and just kind of nod and make noises of understanding, but have nothing constructive to add. I mean, I can’t think of one person in my current life who has actually helped me when I was going through a difficult time. It seems like that should be “sad” to me… but, I don’t have any feeling about it other than *shrug*, “What else is new?”
This is how I know I am slipping back into my old shell. I am becoming indifferent. I am constantly in pain. I try to feel love, but it just turns into pain. So, if I am jaded, I am not in pain – I don’t have to think about anything other than putting one foot in front of the other. I know how to exist, I know how to survive, I know how to survive this human existence… I just don’t know how to live it.
Why do I always feel so alone? Why am I always so alone? How am I supposed to learn to not feel alone, when I really am alone?
I feel like an outsider, all the time.
I have been a member of an online chat group for over 8 years and not a single person in that group knows anything important about me. They had no problem, though, bitching to me about all the things “wrong” with me when I called a number of them out for being jerks. They had no problem “ending our friendships” based on petty judgment and haughty feelings (ironically, the same things they accused me of). It was very easy for these people to cast me out, despite the fact that I’d listened to them and given them my kindness and care for eight years without any reciprocity. I’m still a member of the group, but I know for sure that I don’t belong, so I exist but don’t expect anything great from being “a member”.
At my job, I get along with my co-workers in a cordial manner. I don’t have any problems with anyone, but neither am I friends with them. The only person I had anything in common with and spent any time talking to no longer works for the company. So, I go to work, say hello to people in the hallways, do work for eight hours, say goodbye to people in the hallways, and leave work. I don’t “belong” there, I don’t have any close ties to anyone. I like the job itself, yes, and the people are nice to me at least… but is that what a job is supposed to be like? There’s not really anything else to it.
At my home, I am expected to go to/from work and come home to spend time with people. Like, I am mandated to spend time with people. I practically have a schedule to follow about how I’m to acceptably spend my evenings. And, that’s the extent of my life. I don’t go anywhere else than the gym before work, drive to work, and stay home unless running errands. I don’t have any “friends” because there aren’t any people to be friends with. I don’t have enough time to cultivate “friendships” with random people, because I don’t have time to seek random people who may or may not be good friends. I think I am really saying that I don’t have time to try to make friends only to find I’ve wasted that time on people who aren’t all that friendly. Sometimes I go on trips with my family. Those trips are fun and make me feel happy, but those are few and far between. Otherwise, I exist because I exist.
Am I happy?
Not really. I’ve rarely been happy, so that’s nothing new. I’m content enough, I guess, though I am constantly restless. I don’t know anymore. How do I find balance when there is nothing on the other side of the scale?