Hello World…
What is the purpose of putting these words down for everyone else to read? These are my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, my decisions. These are my experiences, painful experiences, things that changed me for better or worse; things that stuck with me, things that have shaped who I am and who I hope to be. I am open to new ideas, new opinions, and new ways of thinking. I don’t have to accept them, I don’t have to believe them, but I do listen to what others have to say.
My presentation should not be judgmental by way of accusations or degrading language. I will keep it as objective as possible, but will probably rant from time to time. I do feel passionately about certain subjects, and I will not apologize for my feelings. My emotion needs an outlet, and I have kept it hidden and tied up for far too long. Here I am. Here, I’ll stand. Here is where I will be.
My hope is that through these writings, I will learn about myself, forgive myself, forgive the experiences I’ve had, and forgive others. I will mention people whose actions have affected me deeply. People who probably have no idea what impressions were left on me; people who probably would not care. I can’t understand the indifference, but I do see that if I never told them of my pain, they would never know. But it is horrible and to me NOW – unthinkable that I couldn’t stand up for myself at the time. That I was so meek, so passive, so blank… That I have kept these things bottled up because there was nobody to trust, nobody to tell it to, to ask about it, nobody who wanted to see things how I saw them.
My hope is that through these writings, I will finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief and feel at peace with myself in all respects, and at peace with the past, present, and future. I’ve always been such an internal person, not able to verbally express myself without fumbling, poor phrasing, or getting so frustrated that I just want to scream and FORGET IT.
I’ve been always been good at writing: there is a chance for deletion, rewording, rephrasing, and rereading before someone else can read and find something wrong with what I have to say. So here I am. This is what I’ve needed to do for so very long. I am both excited and afraid.
I am excited because it is a new thing for me, a new adventure of sorts. Something I’ve never done because I was afraid to. But, also something I have always needed to do… I am afraid because even though I laugh at the idea of being scared and even think I am ridiculous for being scared, I can’t help but wonder how people will react to my true thoughts and feelings?
I decided that 2012 would be a year of No Fear.
And, so far, it has been. This is no different.
Goodbye Fear, Hello World.