On Death…
I took a walk today and realized that everything looked vibrant – I could see the outlines of all of the leaves I passed, I noticed tiny animals and insects, I saw flowers and berries that would otherwise be unseen. I walked through the forest and looked up at the Ponderosa pines, smiling at their quiet resolve.
And then I thought, “One of those trees could fall on me at any second and kill me.”
There it was, the reality of death.
I walked on, looking at the plant and animal life from a new perspective – any of them could be the last thing I ever see.
I walked on, imagining the things that could happen on an ordinary walk that would result in my death:
– I imagined myself being attacked on the path and left to die, wherein I would pull my bleeding body as far as I could toward the area where people would be but losing strength just out of sight of the park and [since it’s rainy today, there was nobody else in the park] so I die there in the path.
– I imagined walking out to the road from the park and being hit by a car as I cross the parking lot driveway, where I make a muffled cry that nobody hears and the driver squeals away never to be heard from again.
– I imagined walking along the curvy road I take to get into the park and a drunken driver careening around a corner, plowing into me and killing me instantly.
– I imagined walking along the road and looking up at a passing car only to see a fully automatic machine gun edging out of the window and a person in a white t-shirt leaning out to fire at me as I try to get out of the way. Then, I imagined myself shot and bleeding to death, lying right next to the road and nobody stopping to help me so I die right there, 100 yards from my office.
These are the questions that also arose during this line of thought:
– Will I know I am dying?
– Will I recognize death when it comes?
– Will I have time for my life to flash before my eyes?
– What will my last thought before the death of my body be?
I admit I am a morbid person and have a very graphic imagination. But, who hasn’t considered his/her own moment of death?
When it comes down to it, I think the main thing that concerns me is what will happen to my family if I die suddenly. They are the main concern. I have taken steps to ensure they have some financial buffer, but how will they cope emotionally? I don’t know. I’ve never been particularly afraid of death… In fact, for much of my life I would have welcomed death – I did not want to live and believed I should have never been born.
Even today, as I was walking, I had the thought, “Things would be so much easier for people if I were dead. Sure, they’d feel pain at my death, but at least I wouldn’t continue to cause them pain.” I don’t know. It seems like I’m always hurting someone’s feelings or irking someone’s prejudices; doesn’t matter where I am or who I pretend to be.
I think, really, I feel like a nuisance to the world. I feel like everyone just tolerates me until they can’t tolerate me anymore, and then they blow up at me and then I just go on to annoy someone else. I’m not sure where I got the idea that I’m especially annoying (besides the multitudes of people who have raged at me), but I feel like it’s true. I annoy myself all the time – I’m annoying myself at the moment I am typing this, irritated at my boring and self-deprecating and completely-pointless-in-the-scheme-of-life posts. I don’t even know why I’m writing, other than that I have the urge to.
Anyway, back on topic – the main thing that I’m stuck on is this: Have I lived a life that I can feel satisfied about in my moment of death?
I think that, yes, this past decade has been decent overall. These past 5 years have been better than any before. I feel like I am living a good life right now and could die without regrets.
And, maybe that’s all that it takes to be satisfied with one’s life – the lack of regrets about missed opportunities or broken relationships or material things.
I realized today, during my stroll with death, that I am finally at peace with myself and my past. I am finally here instead of there. I am present.
And, I realize that now (this very second) is all I have in which to live the rest of my life.
Now, I am alive and I can change my life – every second is a new chance to change things.
Since I have escaped the clutches of death for the time being, I must make the most of each of these precious moments.
Onward into Now I go…