A Tarot Reading…
I recently encountered a woman by the name of “Woodwytch”. She is an interesting woman, with many intriguing talents and a propensity for those things which are usually found in the realm of metaphysics. She happened to be offering tarot readings. I asked her to draw a card for me.
She pulled Justice:
This is what she had to say about it:
This card is all about balance and decision … choice and fairness … I feel you have been tested to your limits in some area of your life and even if you are generally a sincere / tolerant / compassionate person you may have found it near impossible to control the powerful currents of emotion that have coursed through you on occasion …
I feel the brunt of your frustration was/is caused by someone’s inability to commit due to their confusion … if applicable, you should take steps to avoid depression or any kind of destructive behaviour because this card is favourable to you whatever has gone before.
This card tells you it is time to make a decision or choice but not out of reaction … you may be called on to be true to yourself … you must be balanced and patient … once the natural state of balance has been achieved the plateau that will give you access to the higher-self will open up before you …
Significant changes and choices must be made with this card and with hard work and determination you will find you have that ability to juggle all the demands that are in front of you … whether they concern money / projects / relationships it’s important to stay flexible …
The longer you take to make the necessary changes the longer it will take to move forward towards your goals … take time to notice the connections between everything and that will prevent you making the same mistakes in the future.
To be honest, this reading is fairly accurate. No, not all the words are right on target, but its essence is true: I am having (and have had) significant trouble balancing the responsibilities of my life and my overpowering, sometimes displaced, emotions.
Truth be told, I have spent many years without emotion. I prefer logic to emotion in all things, because logic just requires thought and decisiveness. Logic does not acknowledge pain because pain is irrelevant.
Cold, dutiful logic. Cold, dutiful Jane.
In the past, I kept a very hard reign in on my emotions. I would not let them surface because I did not want them to be exploited and I did not want to think I was weak. If any outward appearance of emotion was noted by others, it was either mirth or irritation.
Most people from my childhood and youth would probably say that I was “a happy girl”, because I usually have a smile on my face and I am always laughing about something. I can find something bizarrely funny at any time. All I have to do is look at the world from a detached viewpoint. This is particularly easy for me.
The thing is, no matter how funny the situation may be, or how large the smile I may have, I never stop thinking or planning or problem-solving. Behind that jester’s mask is a shrewd and calculating mind; always alert, always two steps ahead of the situation. I am practical and blunt and unaffected and adaptable and a void.
It’s like I go through life in a triage mindset: focus on things that are important to other people, let things that are important to me die because they were dead before they were ever even realized.
When I finally decided to let myself feel these powerful things that I feel, I nearly lost all control. Being in control of the situation has always been the only way I could make sure that I did not get hurt. By allowing myself to feel that very deep pain, sadness, guilt, shame, anger and hate [for myself], I was no longer in control. I do not know how to control my emotions; they have a mind of their own and my mind has no idea how to handle it.
So, what this card has reminded me of is this: I am changing, and this is a good thing. I am feeling emotion and this is a good thing. I am becoming balanced – this is the best thing.
As difficult as it is to find that balance between my emotional self and my logical self, I know it will be worthwhile in the long run. I find that balance sometimes, when I am out in the wind, looking at the cloud-dotted and perfectly blue sky, watching a hawk soar above pine trees, trailing my fingers through tall grass, gathering flowers, feeling soil flow through my fingers… I feel Right at those times. I feel like Me at those times.
I want to be Me at all times.
I am learning.