A Year and a Day…
I wrote the first post on this blog (Hello World…) one year and one day ago. Over the past 366 days, I’ve written a lot about myself and my struggles. My goal in starting this blog was to break through the deeply seated Silence that has blanketed my life. I feel like I have achieved my goal, in most ways. I still have secrets, I still have fears, I still have problems, I still have depression, but I no longer feel suppressed and oppressed by my thoughts.
I am growing, I am learning about myself, and I am much more confident today than I was a year ago. My outlook has changed – I no longer believe it is my destiny to fail and I no longer believe I live a doomed life. My mentality has gradually evolved from one of negativity and pessimism and cynicism to one of realistic positivity and restrained optimism and unfettered curiosity. I know I’ll never be a “puppy dogs and rainbows” kind of person, but at least I can actually see positive outcomes now.
When I read my first entries, I experience that insecurity and anger and fear with which I wrote. I am still that person, in many ways. But, I am also a different person. I no longer believe I’m not worth listening to or that my thoughts are not worth speaking about.
I know, realistically, that most people don’t want listen to me because the things I say make them uncomfortable. I make them realize faults and insecurities of their own. But, I now see that their anger and berating is actually fear that I speak to their souls, not their minds. We just don’t know how to think with our souls anymore. Our minds respond with fear (thus, anger) because we are vulnerable. I don’t like feeling vulnerable, it causes me anxiety and fear, but I’ve learned to embrace my vulnerabilities and turn them into talking points and strengths.
I think my fatalistic attitude is what has changed the most. I am no longer burdened by the belief that the future will undoubtedly be painful. At some point, I began to understand that the future is only one second from now. To make the future pleasant, I make this moment pleasant. I stopped fixating on some imaginary point “three years away” or whatever, and started focusing on where I’m at and where I want to go Today.
The freedom and relief I feel when I live to make it through Today is indescribable. Time no longer drags on for me; I don’t even get bored anymore. In fact, I feel like there’s not enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do. I have learned new skills and I have gained knowledge and created plans for myself.
I never used to make plans. I would say to myself, “There’s no point in making plans because they’ll just get interrupted or destroyed or will end in disappointment.” What I’ve realized, though, is that “plans” for life are really just vague guidelines. I have a general idea of where I want to go, so I’m doing what I can do Today and every day to get there. And even if my path is destroyed by external forces, I can CHOOSE to forge a new path back to My Goal, despite being waylaid by life. That power to choose my life – I have never felt that before.
In my first post, I wrote that this blog was an adventure for me. And, so it has been. It’s been a journey of self-discovery. I didn’t plan it, but here I am one year later, goal achieved. This future of mine that may or may not exist will be no different – one day at a time, I’ll get where I’m going. There will be no disappointment, because the journey doesn’t end when I reach my goal; the journey will never end because the journey begins anew at each goal point.
I realized, finally, that the only limits I have are the ones I assign myself.
For so long, the expectations and emotions of others limited my actions and behaviors. I still feel that same pressure to “do what I’m supposed to”. Even as I write this post, I know I expect criticism and mocking words. The difference is, though, that now I know that I can do what I need to do – even if other people disapprove. I have learned that to succeed as myself, I must listen to the whispers of my soul instead of the jeers of humans. And so, I am doing this.
It feels GOOD to ignore sneering and hateful attitudes from people who refuse to use the depth of thought and intuition that comes with setting aside fear. I used to pretend to ignore them, but instead be truly and deeply wounded. Now, I feel no pain when people speak to me in hate. I feel peace and I feel love and I feel compassion for them and sadness that they feel that is the only way they can respond.
I also feel compassion for myself. I cannot explain how amazing it is to comfort myself and love myself as a valuable being. I’ve always been so hard on and hateful toward myself because I have always been a mirror to the world.
I am not a mirror to the world.
I am free.
I am me.
TLDR: “I’m not afraid anymore!”