Brain Buster
Why do I worry about other people?
Why am I bothered and/or emotionally invested in the imaginary thoughts/actions of other people?
Why am I stuck in the circular mindset of “why”?
I’ll admit I think too much and too deeply. I feel out of place with people because I think about things that have no answer and try to find an answer even though I know these questions are unanswerable.
Truth be told, unanswerable questions cause me a lot of stress. I try to ignore these questions most of the time, but they pop up when I’m particularly weary. Lack of sleep or hormonal imbalance brings these questions to my thoughts, wherein I become obsessed with them until I force myself to meditate back to calmness.
My brain feels so clouded when I’m stuck on pointless questioning. I can literally feel something blocked or missing in my frontal lobe… like some connections are being dropped or missed when I try to escape those thoughts and fail. I feel dulled and dreary and slow-witted when I cannot control my thoughts. I tend to be angry and brooding and irritable. I’m not sure if other people can feel their brains working, but I can. I feel different parts of my brain snapping into action – some kind of electrical current surge that almost feels like movement – when I am performing various mental tasks.
The frontal cortex or lobe is the dopamine center of the brain – this is responsible for attention span, short-term memory, planning, motivation, and perception of rewards. When I feel like I can’t “connect the dots”, I have issues with all of these things – there is no zest to life and I can’t concentrate or focus on actual tasks because I am increasingly distracted by thoughts. I have trouble recalling knowledge that I need to use, and tend to forget what I’m doing every five minutes. Sometimes I just sit, staring but not seeing anything, and everything I look at has a strange brightness to it – like a lens flare in my eyes.
From these experiences, I can deduce that there is an issue with my dopamine system – that “block” I feel is where those neurons are falling short in their connections or failing to produce the proper levels of hormone that I need to process stimuli properly.
I fully expect to have ALS or Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s diseases when I am older because I know that these problems are only going to get worse. It’s frustrating because there’s nothing I can do to prevent or stop this. I can feel it happening and I am completely helpless.
Great, just great.
This is the thought process I get caught in – stuck wondering what the point of my life is when I already know it’s going to end up as a pointless life. I know I’m SOL, yet I must still continue to live as if there’s a reason to. It’s stupid to me that my future is bleak, because I hate that I will probably forget any good memories or emotions I have. I guess there’s no point other than to just enjoy what I do have in the present, since that’s really all I’ve got.
And, that’s what I have the most trouble doing.