Closing Thoughts, 2014
Last day of the year.
I am struggling today with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. My thoughts center around feeling alone and feeling like it’s hopeless for me. Logically, I recognize that I may have upwards of 60 more years to live, and that would mean I’ve only experienced 1/3 of my life. A lot can happen in 60 years. Yet, I feel like I’m at a dead-end. As this year ends, I find I am living completely ensconced in each day, and that feels to me like I don’t have a future. I have become incapable of envisioning futures for myself.
The strange part is that I’ve already lived two years beyond the age I expected to die. Maybe THIS is why I was never able to see myself older than that age – because I somehow knew that I’d become incapable of imagining life past the specific calendar day.
I feel inadequate because I am thinking that I could and will never find a mate. I feel like I’m supposed to pretend to be things I’m not, because that’s the only way to attract people. I feel like I cannot be liked as I am. I honestly believe I’d be too much work for anyone who’d even consider me, and that would be why they’d pass me by.
That’s really it – I truly believe I’m not worth the trouble.
On the other hand, I’m somehow still alive. I still try to stay alive. I still try to make it day-to-day. I still have some tiny hope that maybe, somewhere, is someone who could love and cherish me and live a happy life with me.
I already realize it’s going to be extremely difficult for me to find someone who could love me as I am, find someone who doesn’t care that I have kids, find someone who will show me love and affection… and even more difficult for me to find someone I actually can feel attraction for.
The cards are stacked so high against me that I seriously doubt I’ll ever be able to break through. But, I don’t really have a choice in the matter. I know that I have to keep a spark of life so that I don’t give up and just die of “unknown causes” (I think I could just tell my body to stop working and go to sleep). So, I’m just going one card at a time. All of the cards have blank faces, though, so I can’t even count cards to figure out if I’m close to the end of the deck.
I don’t know.
Anyway. End of the year thoughts…
I’ve made it through the year. I did many incredible things. I learned a lot. I enjoyed myself. I actually have some feeling that it was a good year overall. I’m still struggling to keep a balance, but I’m better at it than I was at the end of last year. I still get trapped in my thoughts and bad feelings often, but I’m better at getting out than I was at the end of last year. So, I’m calling it a success.
I want 2015 to bring huge changes: a significant increase in confidence, a significant decrease in negative self-talk. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t or shouldn’t exist.
Cheers. Happy New Year to you.