Day-to-Day
I woke up today like an old woman – creaking, cringing, and crying.
I’m in full-blown seasonal depression now, hoping to wake up dead.
My brain is stuck in rumination mode, and every few seconds, I think of a reason I shouldn’t exist. I think of how much better off everyone would be if I finally just went away. All of my worst memories keep making appearances, all the worst feelings, and all the worst failures.
Last night, I met someone (on reddit, of all places) who is going through this same thing. The person is completely weary, alone in the world, and tired of fighting it. The difference, though, is that person has chosen to end his/her life. I sent the person a message to say I don’t want him/her to die, but I do understand that feeling. I thanked the person for existing; I know I will remember that person for as long as my memory works. I then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. I think, ultimately, I just feel relief for that person. I feel sad, because nobody “should” feel like death is the only way to find relief… but this is the reality for people who are constantly suffering.
It took all of my effort and over an hour to get out of bed this morning. My knees hurt, my body is swollen, I can’t get warm (even though it’s not particularly cold), and I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I weighed myself (because Monday is my progress track day), only to find I’ve gained 5 lbs since last week. Basically, eating less and exercising more doesn’t do jack shit when I’m depressed. My body, I guess, just tries that much harder to cling to any surplus energy it can muster. My eyes are pink and puffy, and I cried while I was getting ready for the day.I cried when I looked at myself in the mirror. I cried the entire way to work.
The sun rose just as I got to work. I was driving right toward it, intentionally looking into the sun, and I thought, “I wish I could drive into the sun – curl up and finally be warm for once before I dissolve.” But, then, I turned into my workplace parking lot. I gathered up my stuff and limped into the building. I’m tired.
I am going minute to minute at this point. I have “normal person” things to do, so I’ll do them. There’s not much else to it. Put on my pretend smiling face and act like my swollen eyes are just allergies. Go about my day and be a productive member of society until I can go home. I’ll go home, eat dinner, fold laundry, do dishes, feed the dog, exercise, play music, then knit and watch old t.v. shows online until it’s time to go to sleep. I’ll go to sleep, rest fitfully, and wake up too early so I can do this all again tomorrow.
My small solace is that I am taking a vacation this coming week. I am not looking forward to it. I’ll go because I’ve said I am going to go. I will put on my happy face, for the kids, and I’ll do all the things I’m supposed to do. But, I will still be tired. I am so, so tired.
I looked at my journal & blog writings from a year ago. I can’t really believe I’ve made it a year. I don’t really understand how I’ve survived? Going day-to-day works, I guess, because I eventually make it through larger time periods. It sucks, though, to look back and see that I was having these exact thoughts and feelings, to the letter. I know I will feel the same next year, too. I can’t do anything about it except sigh.
I don’t know. For some reason, just now, I had a surge of some emotion… optimism? I can’t tell. It wasn’t a bad feeling. It was a feeling like, “Wait. I SURVIVED A YEAR.” Like, I don’t know… I did it. I don’t understand how, but I did it anyway.
This past year has really been an “I’m doing it anyway.” year. So, I guess that’s fitting.
I don’t know how this coming year will go. I already expect a lot of pain and woe. It doesn’t really matter, as long as I make it through. While I am faintly hoping I’ll get brain cancer, get hit by a bus, or die an inexplicable death, I see that I can make it. I have made it. I’ve somehow made it through this, over and over and over. So. I’ll keep going forward, because there’s nowhere else to go.
Take it easy.