Evolving Metamorph…
Today, I can feel myself changing. There are certain things that I have thought about today that do not bother me as much as they would have bothered me even a few weeks ago. This morning, I thought, “Maybe I’ve finally grown up.” But, I don’t even know what “grown up” means… I will never stop learning, I will never stop evolving, and I refuse to stop Becoming.
I am Becoming.
Who I am Becoming is a mystery, but I know these things:
1) I am learning how to be true to myself and live the life I need to live, not the life others expect me to live.
2) I laugh at myself, at the strangeness of life.
3) I work for money, not for a living. My living is about my family and my hobbies and enjoying my experiences.
4) I am learning to have the courage to express my feelings aloud. I am able to express so much more emotion in writing than I am able to express in speech. I am learning to express emotion in the moment instead of blocking it off and letting it fester until it eats away at me. I am learning to overcome my selective mutism. This is probably the hardest part of all, because I truly cannot speak when I am overcome with emotion – my brain does not allow me to talk; I must painstakingly force each word out. It takes a lot of energy and effort to do this. I’m still working on getting the words to come out in a coherent order.
5) I am learning that I am valuable. Even if I am insignificant in the world and nothing in the universe, I am highly valued to a select few humans. If I bring them joy and love, I am worthy and I am good.
6) I am letting myself be happy. Well, not so much “happy”, because I’m not sure what Being Happy feels like – but now I’m not thinking negatively all the time. I am teaching myself to see the positive side of each situation. I am learning that all things “bad” are also “good” somehow, even if it’s just to teach me to open my eyes. I am learning that it’s OK to feel contentment without expecting something bad to happen as a result.
7) I am learning not to feel shame for being myself. I have always felt so much shame about my true nature, even though there is no reason to. I always believed that there is something wrong with me because I can’t think like I’m “supposed to”. People have always resented the fact that I’m smart, resented the fact that I point out things they don’t see, resented the fact that I have talents they want, resented the fact that I somehow show them the things they dislike about themselves.
8) I am no longer hiding. I have hidden myself for so very long… Partially because I felt ashamed and partly to spare other people’s feelings.
9) I am realizing that my feelings are valid and important. I am learning not to think of myself as ‘inconsequential’ or ‘worthless’ or ‘nothing’ or ‘blank’. Because, I’m not these things. I’ve told myself that I was these things for so long that I have believed it. It’s not true, and this is what I have learned: Even though I still cannot see my true worth, I realize that everyone in the world is human and worthy, including me.
10) I am learning that it’s OK to like myself and to recognize my talents for what they are. False humility is the same as arrogance, in truth. The root is the same, anyway. I am learning that it’s OK for me to feel proud of myself and my accomplishments.
11) I realize that I am successful and have become successful on my own terms. The world’s idea of success is much different from my own, but I feel successful because I have made a good life for myself.
12) I am learning that my mistakes do not define me.
13) I am teaching myself that being flawed is not a bad thing. I am learning not to be bothered by the negative views of judgmental people. I can only live my life and strive toward happiness. I am learning that pleasing other people is not worth the trouble. One cannot please others in all things without losing oneself. I lost myself a long time ago. This is who I am finding and who I am becoming.
14) I am learning not to feign affection. And, though this may hurt other people’s feelings, I am not disingenuous just for the sake of propriety. I always forced myself to pretend because I didn’t want to hurt other people and because I felt like my feelings weren’t valid. This is not true. It is difficult, but it is becoming easier to let my wishes be known in this regard.
15) I am healthy and making my health (physical and mental) a priority.
16) I, finally, do not feel trapped in my mind. I still find difficulty with my words and my actions/reactions/interactions, but I am no longer so closed off. I know I still have work to do, but I am finally able to feel love in my heart for myself and for life. I am finally able to let myself feel love in my heart. Most of my life, I have kept myself from feeling anything because it all seemed to end up as disappointment or regret or sadness or hurt. I realize now that there is no way to escape the pain, it follows me whether I choose to feel happiness or not. I choose happiness; to love myself and to love others as my true nature and intuition dictate.
17) I am learning to follow my intuition – those “gut instinct”, the “Yes” or “No” feelings that I have always had but rarely heeded. They were right. They ARE right. Much pain and anguish of my current life would not exist had I listened to my intuition in the past. While there’s nothing I can do to change the past, I can improve my present and future by doing those things my soul needs to do.
18) I am learning that I am Free.
19) I am finally becoming a child, even as I am becoming wise.
20) I am learning to be Me.