Eye-pokingly Repetitive Emotional Eruption…
I have been feeling terrible the past few weeks. It wasn’t until I looked at my ‘On Being an Aspie‘ post that I realized something – I’m having a bout of major depression with seasonal pattern (formerly known as Seasonal Affective Disorder). I somehow forgot, in the past year, that this is a real problem for me.
Every April and September (roughly), I get terribly upset – have a bad recurring stomachache, feel overwhelmingly anxious, and then spend a few weeks weeping inconsolably about things that aren’t really that important in the scheme of my life and feeling like the world would be better off without me.
For whatever reason, I keep forgetting I have this issue. I mean, I know I have major depressive disorder, that’s no question, because I’m always struggling with it… I just keep getting surprised and overwhelmed when it hits me like a ton of bricks during two times of the year where I’m otherwise busy and productive and pleased because I’m working hard outside in my garden. The irony is that this is treated with light therapy… but I’m outside all the time during these two periods, so why do I need MORE sunlight? I went outside today for a walk, and I wanted to lie down and sleep in the sun… I just wanted to forget everything else and soak in the sun. I craved the sunlight.
I mean, it’s good I recognized this, for sure, but it’s bad that I couldn’t recognize I was having an episode of depression until I read a reminder I left for myself a year ago. Maybe I should add this as a note on my calendar, “Severe depression warning: THIS MONTH I WILL SUFFER”. It’s kind of disheartening, but it’s fairly accurate – this depression is a lifelong illness. It’s not going away just because I want it to. I should take any help I can get from myself.
Welp, the things that are bothering me are the same things as always – feeling inadequate, unloved, and like a blight on the world. I am always aware of how ridiculous these thoughts are, but still can’t shake the accompanying drag-me-down-to-death feelings.
Gaaaaaaaah. So tired of revisiting the same old stuff over and over and over. It’s so boring, I hate this feeling of complete pointlessness and overwhelming pain. My brain won’t let go of annoying thoughts centered in self-hate and emotional pain.
HERE IS MY REMINDER FOR NEXT APRIL AND NEXT SEPTEMBER.:
Jane, you will feel hurt and you will feel pain. You are hurting and feeling this pain that you don’t think you can escape. Remember, though, that you are loved. There are people who care about you. You are living the life you have always wanted to live. You are accomplishing the things you want to accomplish. You are becoming the person you want to be. Remember, Jane, that you are allowed to love yourself – you do not need to torture yourself with painful thoughts. You are not worthless, and you are not invisible. Go outside and bask in the sunlight, because it is as much a part of you as you are of the world.