Facebook Figurings…
Some stuff I wrote out on my FB page, want to save it here for reference…
Looking through various “feeds”, I note that my gut response to most popular items is apathy. I read through 100 or so responses to see if anyone can point out what actually makes the initial post so great… I see people agree with the original commenter, and then I see people who disagree being lambasted about their opinion. And I find that ridiculous.
But I still just don’t care. As a result, I’ve been unfollowing a bunch of sappy feel-good people. Maybe I’m just a jerk, but I really don’t understand how people can immediately parrot whatever the OP said and spew fire at anyone who doesn’t do the same.
Where has the value of perspective gone? And, why is original or opposing thought so undesirable?
Or, is it just that I’m an unfeeling asshole who doesn’t see [contrived and biased two minute] videos telling me what philosophy I should have as a good thing?
Ugh. Sometimes I question my humanity.
And then… I remember I have autism. I still can’t comprehend what that means, other than now I have an excuse to be such a natural contrarian. I’m too used to being the freak of nature. It’s hard to get out of that mentality.
And, I just realized that I’m really NOT human because I’ll never be able to see things like normal humans do.
I don’t understand the point of this.
(Here, a friend asks, “Define normal please?”)
Well, what I mean by normal is neurotypical – one whose brain is formed in the same way as the majority of other humans. Thus, their brains function “normally”: they enjoy similar things, think similar ways, have similar understandings of the world. This is the basis of society.
My brain is formed in a different way, it has abnormal connections, I have abnormal responses to stimuli, I don’t “get” what other people are talking about. If I don’t have a “normal” emotional response, I just cannot understand what is going on until someone explains it to me. Usually, people get angry when I ask because they assume I’m mocking them.
Sometimes I think I’m just stupid. But, I know that isn’t true – I am intelligent, but maybe I’m too logical or too analytical? I just can’t understand why I have such trouble “getting” those things that everyone else finds emotionally stimulating.
I think what I am really trying to articulate is that there is a certain set of behaviors that are considered “normal”. And, I don’t have those… The ones I do have come out in weird (i.e. scary to other people) ways. I get tired of always being on the outside looking in, but I now know I’ll never be able to be on the inside. Ever. And that hurts me to think of. Yet, every single day, I run into something that makes me wonder why I can’t understand what’s going on – because I have never known what it’s like on ‘the inside’… I just didn’t know WHY.
And, I see things that happen. I understand, logically, what captures other people’s interest… I just don’t feel anything about it. It’s not very interesting to me in the scheme of things.
Mostly, I just feel amused… and so that’s probably what makes people angry – I smile/laugh about ‘unfunny’ things because they are either bizarre, interesting, or cause me to feel a happy emotion when other people don’t think the same thing. I’m not doing it to be mean or rude, I just understand that that single moment is funny or odd in the scheme of the universe, so I smile about it.
I don’t know how else to explain it – there is so much more to the world than meets the eye. It confuses and frustrates me that other people refuse to see it? But, then, I can’t tell if other people CAN see it at all? I feel like people see that there’s more to life, but willfully ignore it so that they can ‘fit in’…
So, since I do see those things and feel those things and experience those things that others don’t (want to?), and actually TALK about them… I’m a freak.
And, I’m used to that.
I’m having a hard time understanding the point of my existence in society. It’s not fun to always expect the worst response from other people just because I am myself.
Mostly, I just want to run away. Like, literally run away into the mountains and never be seen again. Live in a tree and die without anyone ever knowing.
I don’t know. When I think about ‘the point of my existence in society’ – I get the idea that I have urges to talk about strange things so that other people will KNOW about them… like other people will understand that it’s okay to think and experience these strange things.
And I have had people tell me that I have a perspective they’ve never thought of. But, why is it that people resent me when I point out something they don’t want to hear? I mean, usually they ask me for my opinion, and I tell them my opinion, but they are angry because it’s not “the right one”…
No clue why I’m even going on in this thing. I think I might just be talking to myself overall.
Either way, though, I wish people could understand that the universe is so much more than these 2 minute talking points that they go gaga over.
I wish everyone could understand that there’s SO MUCH MORE. :-/
I guess what I am trying to say is that there are no “right” ways to think because all of our thoughts are intangible. And… time/space is not this tangible thing we try to quantify it as. It’s so far beyond our ken that we automatically try to shut it out… But WHY? Why always shut it out? Why always try to box it up and keep it in a neat little container?
I know it causes fear. I know it is scary to think of boundless understanding… but why do we limit ourselves so much?