Feckless Friday
I’m feeling utterly feckless (without purpose) today. I lost all sense of purpose the other day simply by doing one silly thing as a social experiment.
Meh, I feel blank and dull. I have been feeling like this intermittently for about a month. Today, though, I also feel upset – anxious and inadequate. I do realize most of this is hormonal, but knowing the source doesn’t make the feelings any less real or intense.
I am tired and just want to lie down and sleep. I can’t, though, because I’ve got a lot to do. I rarely have genuine time off, and it seems like even my downtime after work is full of tasks.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately of what I want to do in my life. I think I have accomplished a lot. I really do follow through when I make a goal. But, I don’t usually feel a sense of accomplishment after reaching a goal. I always think there’s something lacking, or I didn’t do it as well as I should have.
I keep thinking, “Why do I exist as this person? What’s the point?” I really can’t see a point to it. I’ve been feeling, lately, that choosing to be myself (instead of a living life through an adapted persona in an attempt to fit in) is pointless. I can’t see any external benefits to it at all.
The internal benefits are all “for the soul” – just me feeling freer in my life; I don’t feel burdened by lies, I don’t have to pretend to be someone else. But, is it worth it? I don’t know. I feel like I’m not getting anywhere by being myself.
I guess I’m finding peace, gradually, just by constantly thinking about and examing all of my emotions. But, is it worth it?
I don’t know.
There’s not really a point to it. Nobody else cares, nobody else really even understands the point of trying not to be a false person. Realistically, people encourage me to be fake. I know I don’t like that at all.
Blah, everything feels so pointless today. Trying to reach out feels pointless. Trying to form and maintain good relationships is pointless. Working toward a goal is pointless. Being alive as this person is completely pointless.
Counting down the hours until I can go back to bed.