Freerolling and the High-Low Split…
I once had a guildmate in Everquest called Freerolling. He was a friendly male halfling, and took me under his wing as a fellow halfling. This may or may not have had anything to do with my shapely halfling female avatar, her irresistible Leia-like hair of bright red, gray eyes blazing with mischief, and dainty hair-covered feet. Okay, okay, so I get a little too much into MMORPGS… This story is not about the halfling fellow, but if he’s still out there, I give him a hearty halfling huzzah.
No, what I have in my head today is far different. Today, I am more interested in the idea of “playing the cards you’re dealt”. In the game of poker, freerolling can occur before the last card is dealt – it’s basically when a player has a low hand, but knows that a card might be dealt that will win the entire pot, so the player persists in the game because things can only get better. A high-low split is when the pot is split between the player with the lowest hand and the player with the highest hand – a player can win by being either the lowest of the low hands or the highest of the high hands – and those dealt low cards can still win.
I’ve thought a lot lately about fate, destiny, pre-destined futures, and the like. I’ve pondered whether I believe in any of these things. I think I’ve finally pieced together my opinion in a way that feels “right” to me.
I’ve always enjoyed the varied ancient myths about The Fates and their weaving of the human destiny. I like the idea that each life is a line that is woven into the tapestry and contributes to the integrity of the whole material. Each thread is important, but none are more important than any others. This is such a simple way of explaining our existence, a way to comprehend the essence and meaning of life. Our ancestors somehow understood that we are all connected, even if we cannot understand how.
I grew up with the religious belief that the Christian God created our universe, and each of our destinies was written “in the book” before we ever existed. It was presented in church as if we didn’t have a choice – we were already “good” or “bad”, and the only way to possibly turn “good” was to beg and plead for forgiveness. It was also taught that while humans had free will, it really only applied to their ability to choose to believe in God. So, if you chose not to believe in God, you had free will to do bad things. If you chose to believe in God, God would guide you through your life. Literally, guide you and talk to you and tell you what choices to make. It was very common to hear people talk about miraculous events in their lives, prefacing their stories with “God led me” or “God told me” or “God did this”. This mindset, as with The Fates, is another way to explain how our lives flow. And, yet, this idea still never sat well with me.
I’ve really just had a non-committal view of things. We exist because we exist, and we couldn’t have free will if God was intervening. We make our own choices, and it will ultimately lead us to our death in happiness or despair. The ending has already happened because all time is an instant outside of our human perception of linear time. This is not to say it was “predestined”, but that our lives are happening, have happened, and will happen all at the same time – for infinity. One who exists outside of linear time could easily see how the life of a human would go, but there is nothing that the external being could do to change that life’s path. Thus, we are responsible for our own paths and the ways we go.
Today, I have had the revelation: my path forward is invisible to me beyond this moment. Every step forward is a step into empty space, all I do is step forward with the hope that there will be somewhere to land my feet. I can plan to take a step, I can make a decision, I can move forward toward a goal… But I can’t actually move myself outside of the fabric of reality or out of my own little thread. My path can be blocked or cut or rerouted at any time without my consent. And so, I realized that all I really have control of is what I do while traveling the path that rises under my feet.
I look back at my life, and I see the times that I was just waiting for the path to form. I was stagnant because I was looking for someone else to guide me or tell me where I should go. It wasn’t until I decided to seize the path-making for myself that things started to move along. I am here in this life I have only because I forged a path that I wanted to forge. I recognize that to make my goals into a reality – to make those goals a part of my path – I must forge my path with a conscious effort.
I can’t control the cards I am dealt, but I can control what I do with them. I spent a lot of time folding, afraid to take chances in the game. But now, I’m freerolling every chance I get. I finally understand: I can win high or I can win low, but I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to win and each loss is just one step closer to my win.
Take it easy, friend.