How to Accept Your Life…
So, yesterday, I was thinking about how difficult it is at times to accept one’s current life – mistakes and bad experiences included. I was looking critically at the various aspects of my life which I feel are out of whack, then the aspects of my life which I feel are great. I started to wonder if I was actually accepting of my life, or if I have just settled into it.
So, true to form, I decided to do some research to find out the steps to life acceptance. I am sharing this information with you, my friend, for when you’d like to use it as well.
Here we go:
1) Let go.
– The past is gone. You are in the present. Those experiences which cause you pain today did not happen to the you which you are today. Give yourself permission to let them go. Give yourself permission to move forward. Your memories will not be erased, but you can realize that you have grown and you have learned. You are different. You have already risen above those experiences. Give yourself permission to recognize this.
2) Forgive yourself.
– Have some compassion for yourself. Would you berate and degrade a loved one when s/he made an honest mistake? Would you feel hate and loathing for a loved one years after s/he made a bad choice? If you answer yes here, then you also need to forgive others. If you answer no to these questions, then you need to think: Why are you still beating yourself up about mistakes you have made? Isn’t it time that you forgave yourself for being that person you used to be?
3) Stop lying to yourself.
– Your life is not perfect. We all have knowledge about ourselves which we hide because it is painful or embarrassing to admit. Admit the truth to yourself. Acknowledge that you have these thoughts and feelings and beliefs that may be unacceptable to other people. You cannot work to fix them if you do not recognize them as truth.
4) Don’t blame your mistakes on others.
– You made your choices, just as others make their choices. For me, this is a difficult one. It’s the whole, “Well if s/he hadn’t done THAT, then I wouldn’t have done THIS.” But, really, that’s just an excuse that we tell ourselves when we make poor choices or lack self-control. Take responsibility for your actions. If you ate the entire bag of cookies, own up to it. Take the time to understand WHY you ate that bag of cookies, don’t just dismiss it as “another one of my flaws”, and don’t pretend that someone else’s actions drove you to it. You wanted those cookies, so you ate them ALL.
5) Learn new strategies to cope with stress.
– Don’t eat the bag of cookies when you are upset. If you eat a bag of cookies every time you are upset, you will likely soon become overweight and potentially diabetic. Is it worth that brief and passing satisfaction or numbness of cookies or alcohol or drugs for your whole life to change and for you to have to live with a life-threatening disease? Think of other strategies you can use to deal with your problems. Take a walk in nature and actually pay attention to the world around you. Call up a good friend and have a heart-to-heart chat. Visit a therapist in whom you can confide without fear of retribution or judgment.
6) Talk or write about your thoughts and feelings.
– Let it all out. Write about your experiences and your pain and your mindset. You don’t have to show it to anyone else or talk to anyone else. Just get all that pent-up emotion out.
7) Stop trying to control things which cannot be controlled, including other people.
– The only thing we can control in the world is ourselves. Focus on self-control and changing the things you can change on your own instead of being anxious and angry about the things in the world you cannot change. You will never “change” another person. People do not change unless they want to change. They must make this decision for themselves. You cannot force anyone else to change. Stop trying to.
8) Understand that past choices were made within the context of your past life. They do not define who you are now.
– You are physically and mentally a different person than you have ever been before. You are not the same person you were as a teenager. You are not the same person you were as a young adult. You made choices in the past which may still affect you to this day. I know that I, for one, think about choices I made when I was young and think, “Why was I so stupid? Why did I have to make such foolish choices?” Remember, you now have experience. You made those bad choices, but now you know not to make them again. Be thankful that you have survived and that you have learned from your mistakes. Realize that you are who you are now because you have persevered and you have survived. You can continue forward and make even more of your life than you’d ever before considered.
9) Realize that past experiences do not define who you are now.
– Many of us had very painful childhoods and youths. It is fine for you to accept that pain and those memories as factual, and to grieve for those lost years of your youth. But, remember, you survived. You are here. You can be whoever you want to be now, and nobody can stop you. Do not allow that pain to define you as a victim, because you are no longer a victim unless you allow yourself to be. You escaped. You are strong. You are capable. You are worthy.
Stop calling yourself those names that “they” used to call you. Stop defining yourself by the terms of people who hated you. You do not deserve to be hated, so stop hating yourself.
10) Acknowledge your negative thoughts, but let them pass.
– Recognize your negative thoughts and feelings, but instead of hanging on to them, let them go. Acknowledge them as valid and relevant to your current state, but do not focus and get lost in them. I have a big problem with this one. I get stuck in negative thoughts about myself and forget that I need to get out. It’s all right to have self-pity and to wallow sometimes. But, don’t forget that you need to get out of that. You need to let go of that familiar shroud of self-hate you have worn for so long. It is OK to comfort yourself in a positive way. Give yourself a hug, stroke your own arm, whisper soothing and encouraging words to yourself. Remind yourself that you are a good person and you do have bad thoughts, but they cannot control you. They are only thoughts. You have the power over your own thoughts.
11) Recognize your past and future achievements.
– When you get stuck in a negative mood or funk, this is especially helpful. Make a list of all the things you have accomplished so far in your life. Write down all the things you have been afraid to be proud of, no matter how unimportant you think other people will think they are. You did them. You accomplished those things. Likewise, write a list of all the things you wish to do in the future. Recognize that you are the only one limiting your potential. You can do whatever you put your mind to, even if it takes a long time to carry out.
12) Don’t settle, but understand that you can have peace in the meantime.
– Accepting your life as it is does not mean you have to settle for your life as it is. For me, this has been one of the hardest ideas to grasp. I have a hard time reconciling the two ideas: I can be peaceful in the life I have even though there are parts I am unhappy about, but I can also work to change those things which I am unhappy about. What I finally realized is: Yes, there are things I feel unhappy about, but if I am working to change them, then I will eventually be happy with the situation. So, if I accept these negative things as a temporary setback along the road to success, I can be at peace with them.
13) Stop telling yourself a story about why you can’t do the things you want to.
– I hear this so often. “I can’t do that! I’m too old!” or “I can’t do that, I’ll never be fast enough!” Well, how do you know until you try? Why do you prevent yourself from even trying? Why are you so insecure that you will not even try to do something new? You are afraid of failure. But, who determines failure? YOU. It is not a failure if you try your best and you do something you have never done before. Challenge yourself. Be proud of the things you do that you are afraid to admit you probably can do, but won’t do because you are afraid you won’t be “good enough”. You are good enough. Trying something new or scary IS good enough.
14) Accept your physical body as it is.
– This goes along with #13 to some degree. I have heard and thought many times, “I’ll never get into shape, it’s impossible.” Well, no, it’s not impossible. You are just afraid of time and effort and willpower it will take to remake your body. Realize this. Realize that it took years to get an unhealthy body, and it will take years to get a healthy one – but you can do it in small steps. Accept the body you have, as flabby or short or plain or awkward as it may be, and run (or walk or jump or relax) with it. Really, do something new. Look in the mirror and, instead of telling yourself how ugly you are, tell yourself the nice things you see. Tell yourself that you have great hair. Tell yourself that your eyes are a wonderful color. Find nice things to compliment yourself on. Smile at yourself in the mirror, then laugh at how silly you are for smiling at yourself in the mirror. Be You. Be happy as You.
Just Be.
It may seem daunting to do all the tasks listed above, so do not forget that you must take small steps. Start on the easiest task for you and work your way to the hardest tasks. It really is all about you recognizing your own potential, and you realizing that you have value and that you are worthy.
We are creating our lives in every moment. Seize this moment and use it to remake yourself and to create the life you want.
You can do it.
But will you?