Lessons Learned
Only a couple of months into the year, and I’ve already made a few useful realizations:
1) Intuition is always right.
I realized I’ve been ignoring my intuition again. I have been willfully ignoring my gut feelings in an attempt to be “normal”. After a bunch of rejection and upset and confusion, I had a ‘duh’ moment where I realized I could have avoided each one of those situations just by listening to my first gut feeling. I don’t know why I keep forgetting this, but I’m writing it down so I can point it out to myself at a later date.
2) Mundane can be happy.
I was feeling very disorganized and out-of-control a few weeks ago. I felt like nothing was enjoyable and I felt like I was just going through the motions. I stayed up late every night, had a rigid morning routine, and had no afternoon routine at all. I’d get up at a specific time, whether I felt like it or not, then go to work and feel tired all day. I’d then come home, feel very lazy – skip chores and errands – and spend entire evenings watching movies while making crafts that just got piled up on my sewing table.
I don’t like rigidity and I don’t like clutter. So, each day I felt anxiety about getting up and anxiety about coming home. I just ignored it and felt miserable until, finally, I realized that two things were bothering me: my messy room and my messy schedule. First, I spent a day cleaning and organizing my room. Second, I sat down and brainstormed about what would make me feel better about my life.
I realized that I could allow myself a much more lax daily schedule: I could get up later and come home later in the day. I decided to allow myself to “sleep in” (I still wake up just as early, but now stay in bed until I feel like getting up instead of forcing myself to get up even though I am not ready to do so) when I need to. This has improved my mood and energy levels tremendously.
I also realized that I could make a loose schedule for each day of the week, to avoid feeling so overwhelmed that I choose to do nothing. This included day assignments for chores, errands, crafts, etc. The most important part was assigning a specific time to “get ready for bed”.
It’s unreal how much better I feel just from allowing myself late mornings and giving myself a modicum of structure. I feel rested when I get out of bed, pleasant through the day, and pleased when I get home. As much as I detest the idea of living a lifestyle I don’t want, I have realized that it’s very simple to be content in whatever life I do have.
3) Ignore suggestions from others.
People mean well, they really do. Unfortunately, these same people have no understanding of what gives me peace or joy. People keep giving me suggestions about things I “should” do. None of it feels right to me, because these things don’t fit my life, preferences, or personality. However, I decided to try some of their suggestions as an homage to trial and error. Not surprisingly, it all ended in error. More incentive to stick with my gut feelings.
4) Don’t worry about rudeness from others.
Just that – rudeness is not my problem, nor should I be upset about it. I understand now that some people act weird about stuff they are thinking.
For example: every time I dress up, some women start acting weird toward me.
I tested this by alternating my daily style between “pretty” and “plain”. Sure enough, the days I dressed plain were days the women were friendly. The days I dressed pretty were days the women were hostile. Clearly, days I’m “pretty”, I become a threat.
In the past, I would probably have stopped dressing nicely altogether, simply to avoid uncomfortable interactions. However, at this point in my life, there’s no way I’m going to change my personal preferences just so insecure people will be nicer to me. This life is far too short to worry about anyone other than myself.
5) I have a right to be myself.
I don’t have to listen to anybody else, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, I don’t have to stay up late, I don’t have to wake up early, I don’t have to be nice to rude people, I don’t have to worry about anything outside of my little life. I can, do, and will make my life as pleasant as I can, because I’m the only one who lives it.