Living Today
I am acutely aware of the passage of time because that’s how my brain works. During times of heightened stress, it becomes unbearable because I can see each thing that bothers me, see that it is unchanging, and see that I cannot trust my efforts to bring actual positive change to my future life. This brings about an incredible feeling of despair.
So, I simultaneously feel upset about the issue, frustrated about the root problems causing the issue, and hopelessly impotent to resolve the issue. This happens for each thing affecting me.
To conceptualize this, imagine the worst thing currently bothering you, multiply it by five, and imagine the thought/emotion sequences of all 5 stressors cycling through your mind at the exact same moment, every moment, for days or weeks. Overwhelmed becomes an understatement.
In these times, I withdraw – it becomes extremely difficult to try to talk to anyone about what’s going on in my life. I turn inward and do whatever I can to momentarily ease the overwhelmed feelings.
Meanwhile, I feel scattered and confused and discontent. I feel isolated because (as you may have gathered from my unbelievably insane experiences), my problems are highly irregular and there simply isn’t a solution anyone can help with.
There’s nothing for another person to say or do because the problems are usually so complex and deeply disturbing that it leaves people, even mental health professionals, dumbfounded.
And so, I tend to keep most things to myself unless I really trust someone. This usually backfires, resulting in the person pushing me away because I am “too honest” in expressing my thoughts, which are far more real than one would ever expect. Only then do I realize my trust was misplaced, because people only want to take support, not give it.
For some reason, I keep forgetting the custom of our society where at the first sign of difficulty, the “difficult” person becomes repulsive for having the audacity to express emotions, then ceases to exist as a person outside of that singular conversation.
People see that I am always smiling, see that I am always supportive, see that I always care about their thoughts. So, when I tell them what is going on behind my smiling eyes, it is a shock. Nobody knows how to respond because there really isn’t anything to say or do to improve the situation.
Thus, I continue day to day, trying to force myself to focus so I can do normal things like a normal person. I lose my zest for life and ability to create during these times because I also have a constant headache, high anxiety, and mental exhaustion. I simply cannot do much. Life takes on a surreal quality, as if I am just floating through it watching things happen, not actually present or participating in it.
When I feel particularly lost, I take out my oracle cards to try to make sense of what is happening in my life. These are Earth Magic cards that work via intuition.
(I use intuition often. If you have ever talked to me about an issue, you have experienced this when I see and hear what you haven’t actually said and then encourage you to view your situation from a different perspective.)
To choose the cards, I use my intuition to shuffle until the deck feels right, then close my eyes and select whichever cards feel right. I open my eyes, lay out the cards, then flip them over to see what I have selected.
I did this a week ago, in the middle of the day, because I could not focus at all. I write what the cards mean in my journal as I use the reference book to find what each card symbolizes.
I pulled 5 cards in a “Cross” layout, which is used for guidance. As happens every single time, the cards were precisely correlated to specific things happening in my life.
Card 1 represents the issue. Card 2 is the subconscious influence of which I am unaware. Card 3 is the external influence of which I am aware. Card 4 is what is required for resolution of the issue. Card 5 is the resolution.
The issue: Dreamtime – Creation.
This means my true self is being suppressed and I am not breathing comfortably. Breath is the crossover between one’s spirit and physical reality. Breathing comfortably helps align the spirit with reality. I must breathe deeply, find the urges that need to rise, and discard habitual thought patterns that prevent self-expression via my creative needs.
Subconscious influence: New Moon – Promise.
The time has arrived for manifestation of new beginnings, renewal; it is time for desires to come to fruition. I must keep my intention and be willing to allow completion of the full cycle. The seed of an idea is ready to emerge, and I must take action upon the fully realized idea. When my will and spirit align, it is possible for me to fulfill promises to myself that guarantee I will have an enjoyable future.
External influence: Meadow – Vulnerability.
I have recently allowed myself to be vulnerable, despite the fear of being unacceptable. Even though my vulnerability was unacceptable to the person I tried to talk to, I was true to myself. Vulnerability should be based on trust, not fear. I am at a place in my life where I can take risks with my feelings and the truth of who I am – the true self of my heart and soul. I must not subject myself to the conditioned fear of letting others know who I am. You may judge, evaluate, and criticize me, but I must trust my inner strength and be confident in my vulnerability without reacting adaptively, as I usually do. Holding back from truth creates the illusion of safety. I must share my authentic self with the world.
Required for resolution: Wolf – Instinct.
I have lost touch with my instinctual sensitivities as a result of our culture’s dictation that anything wild and untamed is a threat. I must overcome this limited mindset and tune into my instinct. I must shed inhibitions, buck societal norms, and listen to gut feelings. I must remember to breathe and notice sensations so I can learn to make my body and mind work together again.
Resolution: Dragonfly – Emergence.
I am in the intense process of emerging into the next cycle of my life. It is happening rapidly and unexpectedly, but I must trust I am prepared and can use my accumulated experience and wisdom to adjust my thinking as life demands a move to the next stage of maturity. I must shed another layer of ego-filled defenses and let go of the illusion of being less than I am. I must allow myself to flow through a graceful transition to broadened consciousness and heightened perception.
This hit me hard, so I sat awhile thinking things through. After finally processing all of this, I still felt that something was missing. I closed my eyes and pulled another card. A single card is used as a guide for how to get through today:
Crystals – Focus.
Where attention goes, power flows. Intention influences attention. I must be aware of my intention and focus to eliminate the distractions of anxiety. I must be fully present, expand my awareness, and listen to inner guidance about actions to take. This should be a state of relaxed attention, not hypervigilance. I must focus my eyes, ears, and heart upon what needs attention to enhance my life.
I felt calm after I read card 6, and I was able to move on through my day.
Unfortunately, I have had another rough week, so I forgot everything I learned from the cards, resulting in a feeling of overwhelm again last night. I couldn’t sleep, so I went back to what I wrote about the cards and re-wrote them in a series of short statements to help me remember. I need to remember.
After writing for an hour and a half, into the early morning, I began to feel better. I broke down all the things that are bothering me and any steps I can take to ease the burden. I then took it a step further and broke it down into things I can do today to make a small change that eases the burden in this moment and every moment.
I abruptly realized that most of these overwhelming feelings come from the fact that I believe the future will be just as tiresome in some other way, even if I succeed in resolving current issues. I suddenly understood that I am living in a series of “todays”, regardless of when Today actually is – past, present, or future. And then it came to me: I must work toward a better Today.
I have been looking at this all wrong – I have been looking at the future as an all-encompassing entity where each of these issues will still cloud my mind because I am too overwhelmed to tackle any of them. What I failed to see is that I feel despondency in each Today because I am not focused on what I can do in this Today to improve how I experience a future Today.
And, with that, the mental dam broke. At 2 am, I decided my new life motto will be, “Work for a better Today”. I should tattoo it on my arm so I can’t avoid seeing it during a painful Today, thus reminding myself of how to ease the weight of my thoughts.
I hope you, my friend, are having a good Today.