Needs, Detailed…

By Jane Tanfei|Feb 13 2014 | Thoughts

In a mood of despondency, feeling a wailing and hopeless sense of despair, I decided to write down what I would need and want from a partner – if I were ever lucky enough to find one.

The despair comes from the reality that there are some things about me that point to the idea that I will actually never find a partner… And that is very painful to me to have to accept that thought as truth.

I cannot settle… I know this for a fact. I have tried it, I have failed miserably. I cannot try it again, it would crush me to the point of no return. I feel like I probably really would just give up on living a fulfilling life if I did that. I cannot do it. There have to be a number of things that are “right” before I accept someone as a partner. I vaguely mentioned some of the things I have thought about in the recent post: Investigating Relational Attraction & Success, but I am adding much more detail today. Because I feel like I need to.

1. We must have a mutual attraction. We must smell “right” to each other, in a primal sense.
2. We must have a mutually reciprocal friendship. We must become friends before becoming lovers, and that friendship must be one based in understanding and respect.
3. We must have a mutually reciprocal romance. He must be capable of speaking his needs, just as I must be capable of speaking mine. We must both be capable of understanding the other’s needs and capable of taking steps to create a relational environment suitable for our mutual success and happiness.
4. We must be able to carry conversations beyond their original scope, where limited knowledge is not a limit, and no word need be left unspoken.
5. We must be able to argue well: retain the abilities to speak to each other respectfully and listen to each other even during emotional times.
6. We must both be able to express our emotions without feeling judged, foolish, anxious, or embarrassed.
7. We must be able to accept each other’s faults just as we accept each other’s strengths.
8. We must be able to celebrate that we have found each other, every day, for an infinite length of time.
9. We must be able to depend on each other, lean on each other in times of distress and need.
10. We must both feel that we are loved and cared for by the other.
11. We must each be allowed to do what we need to do to grow as humans. (ex: If he were a traveler, he would remain a traveler as long as he traveled to me sometimes. I have to be able to follow my intuition, so I would continue along my path as long as I crossed paths with him sometimes.)
12. We cannot treat each other possessively; jealousies must be addressed openly, honestly.
13. We can both be comfortable with whatever states our bodies are in without fear of harshness from the other, because we must both understand that our bodies do not define who we are or how much love we feel.
14. We must be able to retain old interests, learn new skills, and change our identities without feeling as if we will lose the other’s loyalties or respect.
15. We must be able to agree on the terms of our partnership so that we both feel like we are free, yet we both feel safe, secure, and whole.

That is what I long for. That is who I need.