New Illimitable Goal…
Sometimes, I go out and play live music.
On one such recent occasion, I had a pretty good time, and then I suddenly started to feel very alone. I felt really empty and isolated, despite the fact that there were kind people around and it had been a joyful evening. The strangest part is that I did not start to feel like this until someone thanked me for playing and said s/he really does enjoy it when I show up to play (this was a weekly event that I sporadically visit). And, I couldn’t say anything except, “Thanks for saying that.” because I couldn’t think of anything to say. I couldn’t understand that the person was being nice AND authentically meaning s/he enjoyed my music.
I just could not figure it out, why s/he would say that to me. I do have a hard time hearing / understanding complements in a complementary context, because I’m so used to people being sarcastic assholes all the time. So, I heard what s/he said, but couldn’t comprehend that s/he actually was being nice in that moment of conversation. The person moved on to do something else, and I just felt really sorrowful and confused. I looked around at the other people in the room, and they all looked like they were enjoying their time there. I felt like I had enjoyed the past couple of hours, but that I was no longer enjoying my time there. And, I started crying. Not break-down weeping or anything, just tears flowing out of my eyes as I thought my thoughts.
I recognized then that I don’t know how to connect to people for temporary friendships / friendly acquaintance. I really don’t. I can engage, but I do not know how to feel connection. I have tried, and have succeeded at times, but I do not know how to do this consistently. I think it’s mostly that I don’t trust people or innately believe random people to be honest, so that makes it difficult for me to accept kind words from strangers without suspicion. I also recognized that I don’t have very much experience sharing a moment with other people.
I see that I experience moments differently than other people – I experience all moments in a state of duality, where I am both present AND detached. On the one hand, I am experiencing everything in real-time and have a spontaneous mental commentary. On the other hand, I’m experiencing the experience as playback and have a retrospective mental commentary, even as the event is still unfolding. I live in both viewpoints at every second, and they are equal. This is what makes it difficult for me to process conversation and think up a verbal response. My default response is not to talk at all, maybe smile & nod, but most likely just stare at the person while I am thinking. I mean, I know I want to say something, it just takes me like 30 seconds to comprehend and form whatever it is I want to say. I’m not going to lie, this makes me feel really odd sometimes, like I’m not really there because it feels so surreal to exist in past and present at the same time and be aware of it.
I think, mostly, I just experience life minute by minute… Each minute is different from any other to me – it doesn’t really have any cohesiveness – it’s a jumble of still frames thrown into a box that I have to sort through and put in order before I can form a thought about them. But, I feel like now I want to be IN the frames, not just looking at them.
And so, I have a new goal: I want to learn how to feel like I am part of a scene instead of implanted into it. I need to learn how to feel like I am not alone when there are people around who care and who are nice to me. I think the main problem is that I feel isolated anyway, like there is some barrier I can’t see but also can’t cross… But, I WANT to cross that barrier. I want to be able to take part in an experience and actually feel it in my bones and feel commonality and a sense of community with the people around me.
I don’t think this will be an easy goal to accomplish. Hell, I may not EVER be able to accomplish it. Not going to stop me from trying, though.
Take it easy, friend.
– Jane