Newp.
So, “surrendering to the universe” sure feels a hell of a lot like “giving up”.
Basically, I feel halfway heartbroken and halfway apathetic. I don’t feel any significant level of care about anything anymore, it’s kind of like, “Whatever happens will happen, doesn’t matter how I feel.” Realistically, it doesn’t matter how I feel. I’m the only one who is invested in how I feel, the only one who believes my personal hopes and dreams to be real or fruitful.
I’m bitter. I have the feeling of anger, some kind of, “Why do those other people get to pretend everything is okay?” I don’t think everyone is actually pretending, either… so then it’s really, “Why do those other people get to have happy lives?”
So, if I can’t “surrender” without getting bitter and sarcastic, is that really letting go?
I am unhappy, more unhappy than I’ve been in like two years (and that’s saying a lot) with this “let the universe have control” mindset. It’s not like my thoughts stopped working, it’s not like my feelings stopped existing, it’s not like my situation changed… the only thing that changed is that I really did give up all of my hope, all of the things that made me feel the need to strive for my dreams.
Because, to me, what’s the point in striving if it’s not even up to me? I mean, nothing has EVER been up to me. Nothing is up to anyone, we can’t predict cause and effect. Sometimes stuff goes badly despite my best efforts, and sometimes good stuff happens out of nowhere.
I don’t know. I’m tired of being confused, tired of thinking, tired of everything. When I give up, I go whole hog.
So, the actual problem is not that I’ve let go of certain ideals or things to strive for… it’s that it doesn’t feel RIGHT. Those were the only things keeping me tenuously anchored in positivity… I just learned to think positively a couple of months ago… but now I’ve given up on wanting anything specific, so what’s the point in being anything more than neutral?
No attachment = neutral. I feel myself closing off completely and becoming detached; my feelings no longer feel strong, they just feel compartmentalized; I continuously and automatically shut down all of the things that previously let me feel anything.
I cried a little yesterday, mourning various things I let go of. And then I made myself stop crying. Because crying means there’s attachment, and I’m not “supposed” to have attachment to specific outcomes. Except I was crying in my sleep and woke myself up early this morning with my own tears…
Ugh. This is not right at all. I’m doing something wrong here – I can’t exist like this again. I don’t want to be devoid of any true emotion or preference, and I certainly don’t want to feel empty. I lived like this way too long, and I refuse to go back into that blank, indifferent, chalky, metallic-tasting life experience. It’s miserable to intentionally force myself not to have hope.
Back to the drawing board.