On Attachment…
I wonder what it would be like to feel attachment to people, places, things?
One of the strangest things about me is that I have very little attachment to anyone or anyplace or anything. Internally, when I feel myself begin to get too attached to someone or something, I automatically shut off those feelings because I know at some point I will be in pain if I allow that attachment to grow. I’ve always been able to pick up and go at any time. I’ve always been able to leave stuff and people and places behind fairly easily because there’s nothing else to do.
I’m not even attached to myself. If my front teeth got knocked out today, I’d think, “Oh well, my front teeth are gone, guess I need to save up money for dentures.” and just go on with my life. If my legs were amputated, I’d think, “Oh well, I’ll learn to use a wheelchair. I need to get a ramp installed in my house.” and go from there. The slight twinge of regret or sadness I feel is gone as soon as I think of what I need to do to move forward with my life. When I was pregnant with my first child, I didn’t even consider the “beautiful body” that I’d lose because I was gaining a much better young body in the form of a child. My body is nothing more than the vessel of my existence. It’s phases are all fine to me, it’s my body and I’ll live in it no matter how it looks. It just doesn’t make sense to get attached to some specific phase, because nothing in life is set in stone, least of all my health or body shape.
In general, though, the thought process I have is, “Well, I still have the memories. On to the next thing.” That’s pretty much it. I feel some minor sadness, but no deep or heart-wrenching feelings of distress. I’ve always had the sense that if I wasn’t meant to move on, I wouldn’t be moving on. I don’t know how else to explain it. An example is my car, Sparky: I’ve had “him” since I learned to drive, he’s been a good car, I have a lot of good memories associated with him. But, he’s dying, so I am preparing to get a new car. I feel slight sadness that I won’t have my old car anymore, because I’ve had him for half of my life, but that is it. I know it’s time to get a new car, so I’m doing what it takes to get a new car. The old car will be donated to a charity program. I’ll take a picture of myself next to the car, and then that will be the end of my life with that car. So it is with people.
This is not to say I don’t care about people, just that I easily “let them go” or “let them live”. I care about them while they are around and afterward, but don’t expect them to always be in my life. Likewise, I don’t expect people to miss me when I’m gone or want me to stay in their lives. If they did, and they told me this, I wouldn’t leave because I’d realize their “need” for me.
I recognize the transitory nature of humanity. We all have lives to live, and we’re all going to die. The hardest part of this is that I feel guilty that I don’t “love enough”… because people put so much emphasis on the attachment part of [their definition of] Love that my deficit of attachment is noticeable and upsets people.
From my perspective, excessive attachment leads to dependency – the “can’t live without” feeling so many people have in their lives. I don’t have that. I look at the world, and I see people and I know I will continue to exist with or without them. The thought makes me sad, the coldness of that logic – “everyone will die sometime, so there’s no point in becoming attached”. When I look at my children, I do not want to exist without them. I know that if they died, I would be sad and heartbroken. But, I’d still be alive, I’d still live my life.
Maybe it’s the “passion” that I am missing. I have caught myself shutting off my emotions lately because of the emotion that is present around me. I do not allow myself excessive emotion when other people are in need. It’s like a triage in my mind – they are more important to tend to, and my emotions will be addressed at some later time. As a result, I am feeling dull and dry and tired and emotionless. Everything is level, everything and everyone are the same. I’m existing because I’m alive, and that’s about it.
On the other hand, I just realized it is the lack of “security” that ensures my lack of attachment. I know, without a doubt, that there is nobody I can depend on. My security and safety are in my own hands. It is and has always been my job to take care of everyone else’s needs and provide a safe place for them to exist. I am the safe place for them, but there is no safe place for me.
Yes, I believe that is the root of the issue. It’s not that I can’t form attachment, just that I don’t feel that I can depend on any other person. The idea of “needing” someone else disturbs me greatly. This is because I know that if I allow myself to “need” someone, I will be disappointed when I realize that I cannot depend upon that person. So, it is likely this perpetual insecurity (no sense of security provided by an external source) is responsible for my lack of attachment.
I felt safe, once. But, that was a long time ago, and that imaginary sense of safety and security is no longer mine to feel. I miss it, though. The warmth and comfort of being able to rest without worry… I miss that. And even though I realized that it was just temporary, it was still nice to feel and live in that illusion for a little while. I’m so weary, all the time, way deep down in my soul. I know that right now it’s probably presenting more because of the ambient stress levels in my life, but I nonetheless feel very tired of not being able to depend on anyone else.
Oh well. Life goes on.